The Ripple Effect?
When I refer to the Ripple Effect, I am talking about the effect one of my son's ASD traits has on the other. A times it can make parenting or even living in our home extremely challenging.
I can recall times from my childhood of the Ripple Effect too. I have memories of my father, teaching me how to dance as a little girl. He would put one of his favourite songs on our record player, Jimmy Gilmer & The Fireballs - "Sugar Shack" or Cole Joy, "Be Bop A Lula", take my hand and guide me to place my feet on top of his. Then we would dance. These are my fondest memories of my father. The Ripple effect here, was laughter. positive, fun, ripples. My sister and I would then excitedly watch my Mum and my Father, jiving around our living room. But Ripples can create both laughter and stress. Unfortunately those happier memories are few compared to the others I have. I try not to dwell on these not so pleasant recollections, but in this case, I am purely using them as an example.
My father would usually come home, late afternoon, to a quite, peaceful home. My sister and I would usually be making ourselves busy and Mum was always working in her sewing room that was in our garage. I remember having a very uneasy feeling when I heard his car pull into our driveway.... then the Ripple effect. Usually in one of his moods, my father went out of his way to antagonise either my sister or I. My mum would sense it, or rather anticipate it and immediately leap to our defence. The only problem, then she would find herself on the receiving end My father's irrational behaviour. Instinctively, my older sister would try to come to my mother's aide. The tension by this time was well and truly building. The once quite household, erupted into a massive volcano of emotion and abuse. I acknowledge that at the time, my sister would shelter me, knowing I was younger maybe. But this was a lot to ask of a 10 year old girl. Even to this day, she has that mothering instinct when It comes to her younger sister, always there protecting and supporting. I can remember the "Ripples" coming from my father, would not stop until he had emotionally wiped out the entire household. When I reflect on all this now, I really do have a lot of respect for my Mum. To have to live through the exhaustion of those ripples, all the while, supporting my sister and I, and really being responsible for the women we are today. She is amazingly strong and resilient.
I can recall times from my childhood of the Ripple Effect too. I have memories of my father, teaching me how to dance as a little girl. He would put one of his favourite songs on our record player, Jimmy Gilmer & The Fireballs - "Sugar Shack" or Cole Joy, "Be Bop A Lula", take my hand and guide me to place my feet on top of his. Then we would dance. These are my fondest memories of my father. The Ripple effect here, was laughter. positive, fun, ripples. My sister and I would then excitedly watch my Mum and my Father, jiving around our living room. But Ripples can create both laughter and stress. Unfortunately those happier memories are few compared to the others I have. I try not to dwell on these not so pleasant recollections, but in this case, I am purely using them as an example.
My father would usually come home, late afternoon, to a quite, peaceful home. My sister and I would usually be making ourselves busy and Mum was always working in her sewing room that was in our garage. I remember having a very uneasy feeling when I heard his car pull into our driveway.... then the Ripple effect. Usually in one of his moods, my father went out of his way to antagonise either my sister or I. My mum would sense it, or rather anticipate it and immediately leap to our defence. The only problem, then she would find herself on the receiving end My father's irrational behaviour. Instinctively, my older sister would try to come to my mother's aide. The tension by this time was well and truly building. The once quite household, erupted into a massive volcano of emotion and abuse. I acknowledge that at the time, my sister would shelter me, knowing I was younger maybe. But this was a lot to ask of a 10 year old girl. Even to this day, she has that mothering instinct when It comes to her younger sister, always there protecting and supporting. I can remember the "Ripples" coming from my father, would not stop until he had emotionally wiped out the entire household. When I reflect on all this now, I really do have a lot of respect for my Mum. To have to live through the exhaustion of those ripples, all the while, supporting my sister and I, and really being responsible for the women we are today. She is amazingly strong and resilient.
So back to the Ripple Effect. You would think growing up In a house-hold having to experience Emotional Ripples, I would be quite good a defusing them…. I am getting there, but far from efficient. Sometimes I can see, the emotion building, the short tempers, the out bursts… slowly, slowly building... not being able to cope with even the smallest of challenges. (Remember a challenge for my boys can be something as simple as wanting something to eat and not being able to ask or decide what it is that they want.) A melt-down is usually a case of "the smallest straw that finally breaks the camels back!" When I can see, the wave of emotion building, I can sometimes intervene. This is usually done with a swim at the local pool, a bike ride, a jump on the trampoline or just by using simple calm words and reducing the noise level in the house. Giving the boys space to try and regulate their own emotions helps too. Sounds admirable, but this is not always possible. Once the melt-down, is away, it can send a ripple of anxiety through the house, causing the other to react. I cannot tell you if It is a case of the younger, non-verbal son (who has higher needs) that does this more, or my pre-adolescent older son. Actually to meet and talk to my older son, you wouldn't think that he had Aspergers. He has a good group of friends, is extremely caring in nature, attends camps, social groups- happily and confidently. I am lucky with him, as his diagnosis could be a lot worse. But what happens behind closed doors, in the safety of our home, a place where the boys know they can drop their guards and release any confusion, frustration and emotion that builds up, free from being judged or criticised.... is a different story. I am still grateful though. These releases could quite easily happen at school, or outside our home. My younger son does struggle to keep his squealing and head butting under control when at school, but again, thankfully, he is not aggressive towards anyone. He loves the other children and even instigates socialising in his own way.
Ipod touch, he will read Book Apps, play counting games, watch episodes of his favourite shows, all from the Ipod, with the earphones. I have found, it will actually settle him, stop him from squealing, block out noises that may be irritating him, and all the while... giving the rest of our home some peace. He may only do this for 15 mins or so. But believe me, just having that 15 mins of silence in the house, after a day of squealing and demands, is so appreciated. We also use a lot of exercise to help relieve stress too. (Not always possible on rainy days, but I'll save that one for later.)
The Ripple Effect can involve me just as much as the boys. If my youngest gets a cold, I am usually bracing myself for a week of no sleep as I try to meet the constant demands and manage frustrated behaviour. The Ripple, in this case, can start with me. I get over-tired, don't eat properly, I'm too exhausted to walk or go for a run, then become cranky myself. All that behaviour, in turn, affects one or even both of my boys. Before I know it, the wheels are in motion and away we go... it can be a vicious cycle. But again to help relieve some of the stress during these times, I have learnt to rely on respite that I can access through The Queensland Carers Association. Even though I thought it was important to highlight how I can cause a ripple affecting the boys, it needs to be said that in turn, their ripples can affect me. It is not unusual to have days when high-pitched squealing can be heard all across Brisbane. All day long. It can give you a thumping headache ! When this happens it can be extremely difficult to get off that merry-go-round. Or the constant strain of my older son, when he is anxious, trying to settle him. That is a different type of exhaustion... that is mentally draining. The tension and frustration of constant noise, the exhaustion, just seems to bounce between the three of us.
Somehow though, as we all collapse into bed... I know in the morning, it will be the start of another day. Who knows how it will turn out? I guess by being aware of things like the Ripple Effect, by just watching my kids behaviour and being a little more observant of things that are going on prior to the ripples, I have a better chance of defusing stress, than I did the day before. I try to, and I am constantly reminded to, look at the positive in even the worst of days. Yeah.. it may have be unbelievable... but what have I noticed ? What has changed? Usually when I stop and reflect... the answer is there. Sometimes, it will take a friend or relative or one of the boys teachers to point it out, but it is very rare that we don't see the obvious. I think it just takes that extra time and effort, instigated by me to reach out and ask for help or ask for opinions. It is a very big realisation in life when you actually admit, honestly to yourself, that you are not a "Super-Mum" and that "You can't do everything!" Everybody needs a little help every now and again. It is there, but it is up to us to reach out and ask for it.
"If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves."
C.G. Jung, Integration of the Personality, 1939
http://qld.carersaustralia.com.au
www.carersaustralia.com.au
1 comment:
Lots of fantastic reading here, many thanks! I was browsing on yahoo when I found your post, I’m going to add your feed to Google Reader, I look forward to more from you.
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