Obsession

Before I start this Blog, I must express my gratitude to everyone who has been sending me words of encouragement.  I was surprised at the praise I've received.  It is hard to take the plunge and Blog about your personal life, and yes some things should stay private.  I did hesitate on this venture for a long time wondering if anyone would really find anything I had to say useful.  But to those who are getting something out it then I have achieved my goal already in just a few short days. For now the posts are coming thick and fast.  I have so much I want to say. I understand now why I was encouraged to do this in the first place.... it's rewarding , a feeling I haven't felt since my teaching days.  But as I feel the desire to keep Blogging about my experiences, the washing is piling up and plates are over flowing from the sink. I think after this one I had better take a breather for a while. What an appropriate topic to end on for a while.

Obsession.

One cannot befriend a man without obsessions, for he lacks deep emotion. 

                                       (Quote by - Zhang Dai) 

When it comes to my boys and my experiences , an Obsessive behaviour is watching my youngest son line up all his trains in a row. All looking the same way, all perfectly spaced out. Or walking out into the kitchen in the morning and looking at my fruit bowl to find all the fruit has been sorted into groups, all the apples are together, oranges etc etc.  This is a very common trait of Autism. The child who will only play with a particular toy, or the child who will only eat particular foods.  I guess I am still learning through R.D.I (Relationships  Developmental Intervention)  why our kids do this? and how we can help them overcome these traits. It has a lot to do with fear of the unknown, fight/flight, a comfort zone, predictability and change. Knowing all this, I feel we also need to look at how these kids regulate their emotions.  I think personally, I am constantly evaluating my own behaviour. I will do something and immediately say to myself...(that was a bit Aspie! Like straightening a picture frame.)  I have had this particular conversation with many, many therapists over the years. "Am I an Aspie?"  "Why am I doing things this way?"  "Are my children turning me into an Aspie?"  Basically, I have been told, everyone - has Autistic traits.  But it is how we handle these traits that determines whether or not we are on the Autistic Spectrum.  Autism/Aspergers can never be cured. So what ever you hear or read suggesting this isn't quite accurate.  We can teach our children how to cope with the traits so they do not impact or hinder their lives, but that is all we can do.  In our case, the boys, diagnosed with Autism/Aspergers, need to be taught how to handle these obsessive traits so they will not impede their quality of life.  When that happens, when life is affected, especially with Adults, support is needed to get through.  

So back to the question...The answer I received from our family therapist wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear.  People and other children who live 24/7 with Autism/Aspergers are going to adopt some traits.  In my case having the boys all the time, under my care, yes.... I will be picking up their traits. But he did reassure me that he even picks up traits purely from working with kids on the Spectrum.  It's just like a person living in an aggressive marriage can adopt this aggressive manner. How many times have we read in the paper of people who are products of their childhood.  Some of us I guess, have the skills and resources to get help, but it isn't that easy for everyone. 

I guess this is when I rely on my conscious.  I am always doing things, then suddenly a feeling will arise telling me, I shouldn't be handling things that way. I guess that is when we, as guides to our kids, constantly try to demonstrate, for example; how to speak to people, especially when it comes to tone and expression.  In my youngest son's case, it is getting him used to the fact that his trains do not have to be perfectly lined up.  A few can be different... it doesn't change anything. It will not impact him if the fruit in the fruit bowl is all mixed up.  Mistakes are Ok.  Things do not have to be perfect.  Really isn't that how we learn by making mistakes in life?  It also has a lot to do with flexibility and change.  These areas are extremely difficult for a child with Autism to comprehend. 

In my older son's situation, it is identifying when he is obsessing over an idea or activity. It is alerting him to the fact and teaching him how to control his emotions so he doesn't think about an idea, or situation constantly (eg. a computer game). I have to install limits and regulate when to intervene before he reaches a melt-down point.  It's hard to be on top of all these things all the time.  I am certainly no expert at it. I am just learning, taking each day and situation as it comes.  Even with my own behaviour, identifying when you are spending too much time thinking about a situation, or an activity... like Blogging.... and placing a limit on that.  I do believe though we shouldn't panic when we see ourselves doing these things.  It's not always a case of becoming obsessed with an activity.... maybe it is just something new and that we are getting satisfaction out of doing it.  What ever your reasoning, only you can judge what is right for you. I mean how many of us have bought a new book and couldn't put it down.  That could be viewed as an obsessive behaviour... but in fact... all it is, is a case of is you getting enjoyment out of reading.  

A perfect example of typical Obsessive behaviour is in a movie called "Adam."  A story about a young man with Aspergers.  I would urge everyone to get it out on DVD.  It is really an eye-opener and I know I made a lot of connections to my own personal experiences from watching it.  Throughout the movie you are shown examples of typical obsessive behaviour.  The food in Adam's freezer is stacked perfectly in rows...all the same.  The clothes in his wardrobes, all the same, his days are timetabled to do tasks at a certain time, eating at a particular time.... basically his life was in a routine and predictable.  Things were done this way probably to help him cope, but in fact, it impeded his independence. When Adam's his father dies, he struggles to function on his own. We see his inability to thrive.  I won't go into the whole story, but I would recommend that you see it for yourself.  

Another lighter/funnier view of how obsession can affect people on the Spectrum, is the television series, "Big Bang Theory".  Even though I find this hilarious, "Sheldon's character"  is a perfect example of how obsessive behaviour can limit independence and function in the real world. It is worth a look... but each to their own.

I guess my whole point here is, we can take life way too seriously, especially when we are living with children who have special needs. I made the decision a while ago that I wasn't going to accept my children had to develop a "particular, stereotyped way". I wanted more for them. Everything I had read and programs I had tried to implement, did not really give the boys the quality of life I longed for them to have.  RDI is showing me that I needed to change my parenting and my attitude to allow them the freedom to life that they deserve. It has to start with me.  So what, that we all have little quirks. We may like our life being a particular way.  I know in my case, I tried to keep our house as tidy as possible.  (This used to compensate for the fact that I had no control over the things going on in my life.)  But now, it's not so important. The world will not crash and burn if the washing up isn't done and left overnight. Some things are just more important, like time watering the garden with my youngest son, or planning a vacation, talking to my eldest about the adventures we can have.  These are all things that make us who we are, our personalities.  We just need to remember to slow down, take things as they come and be positive about what they future will bring.  

Easier said than done... maybe.... but I guess we will never know until we try!