In his latest book, The New Manhood, Steve Biddulph writes about the term.
"For me it comes down to just two words. He should have backbone and heart,"
"Backbone is the ability to stand firm, endure, be true to his word and sometimes put himself last, especially under circumstances of great need or stress."
An incredible statement, no doubt! I can only hope my sons grow into men with backbone and heart.
I think men who do possess these qualities are out there, but do they exist in the minority ? And if so...where does that leave the next generation of men ?
From a female view, women are becoming stronger, more independent, more capable and are valued as equal or...(dare I say it)... the more the powerful, dominant sex. Sounds inspiring for a single mum, doesn't it... but I am a single raising boys. I often wonder how my independent, strong-willed, attitude will affect my boys. Will they grow and identify with manhood? As men, will they be confident and secure in life, relationships and the family unit ? After reading “The New Manhood”, I am not so sure anymore.
The reason for this post is "boyhood adolescence". Lately I have been struggling to understand "boyhood" thinking. Questions and doubts arise, when I consider raising two young men, on my own. I know male mentors are important to have in their lives. I know that I am the role model that will influence their attitudes towards women. I know that strength and determination are important qualities boys must understand. But the area I am most afraid of, is their rite or passage to "manhood." I mean “What the….?” How can I, as a woman, possible understand this ?
Is it really important for boys to know about manhood ? Will it honestly, make them better men?......hence the quest for knowledge.
Steve Biddulph's book, when addressing the topic of what is manhood, compared failings of the past, with the concept of the sensitive new age guys of recent times. He concluded only to find them both lacking. Why ? - because, according to Biddulph, "they went too far towards either pole - too much backbone, too much heart." He also discusses what he calls "five awakenings, five truths". Now let me reiterate, this is my interpretation, I think to truly understand the knowledge that Steve Biddulph is trying to bestow onto parents here, is best understood, if you read the book.
He quotes a Franciscan monk, Richard Rohr, who Biddulph says;
"has distilled his thinking and writing into what he believes are the core messages of becoming an adult male".
"These are individual truths that young men need to confront, grieve over, and eventually celebrate as ultimate liberation." Suggestions are made in this book about understanding these truths and how they were a large part of initiatory rites, in almost every culture, in the world.
"Initiation centres on the most pressing spiritual task of any culture - making the young wise enough, soon enough, that they may join the tribe as superb and contributory human beings." "It's important for us to understand that the sacred dimension for our ancestors was practical, not just some imaginative enrichment for long nights around the fire."
"The sacred was coded wisdom, was the thing that kept people alive."
That wisdom, according to Rohr, interpreted by Biddulph, is this:
1. You are going to die.
2. Life is hard.
3. You are not that important.
4. Your life is not about you.
5. You are not in control of the outcome.
(NOW WHOA THERE MR BIDDULPH! Doesn't this totally go against "Spectrum thinking?" Are you implying here that we can change the way we choose to teach our kids about life? Hmmmmm.... sounds very RDI! )
Biddulph continues to expand on these points, which is why I recommend you read the book. It's confronting, powerful and definitely thought provoking. I know for me.... it has stirred thoughts about the relevance of boys learning how to be men.
Slowing down for a minute, and taking time to face facts, our society is full of very lost “boys/men”. There is a large majority of single mothers out there, forced into sole parenting roles purely because the "fathers" or men in their children's lives, couldn't deal with the five truths of manhood. Now I am certainly not implying that every situation is like this but there is a trend of boys, turning into men, confused or misguided when it comes to "manhood."
As I said earlier, women seem to grow stronger when confronted with life's challenges while men seem to grow distant, yielding and sacrificing parental roles. Even experts state, children are better off with their mothers. You hear about it and read about it all the time. No wonder some men, basically don 't know what their role is when raising children any more. But can we consider that, for the parents who are involved, there is a need to allow men back into a more equal parenting position ? Wouldn't this create an opportunity for men to fulfil their duties as fathers, husbands and partners ? Will that help to balance the parenting scales ? If we do not guide boys into manhood, are we not just creating another cycle of confused young men ? Kids need awareness about equality and respect towards both men and women, tolerance, acceptance and values.
In true Biddulph form, observations have been made about the five truths discussed, being the exact opposite of what we tell kids today:
He raises questions no doubt!
This book, The New Manhood, by Steve Biddulph also addresses feminism, so it's definitely worth reading. I personally, found it interesting and not degrading in any way. The conclusions I have drawn here are from mum's point of view: it is important to understand, respect and listen to a "father's" perspective. It will be different to my beliefs, but raising kids is about modelling acceptance, respect, responsibility and communication.
It is a sign of modern times when our society is reflective of situations, where a parent chooses not to be involved with their children. This is of course more detrimental for the child/children involved. It also places unrealistic expectations on the parent who stays by their kids side. But is there a solution? Let's remember 1:2 marriage end in divorce now days. I don't think there is.... that's just life. You certainly cannot force someone to be a parent if they don't want to. But for those who do want to contribute and be involved in raising their children.... respect is a powerful life lesson.
“Women are still not where they want to be, and that may be for one important reason – men have not changed too. To transform our society into a truly free one, we need both genders to be fully alive."
Now there is no wonder why this book has received such attention. Not everyone has, "what it takes" to put these points of view out there. What I admire the most, is that Steve Biddulph is addressing what most, would much rather sweep under the carpet or turn a blind eye to.
Over the years I have attended to a few Steve Biddulph seminars. They are informative and always a great laugh. Many of you may not realise that he suffers from Aspergers (which made his teenage years difficult). He has been described by his peers as a reserved man, but certainly overcomes his anxieties, when in front of an audience. Steve Biddulph offers great advice on raising children in a "story-teller" format....so it is always easy to remember. His years of experience as a Psychologist and author make him a very well-known resource for parents seeking guidance about raising kids.
Steve Biddulph Seminar in Brisbane - August talks at the Relaxation Centre of Queensland - The Road to Manhood, and a Personal Change Workshop. August 19 and 20/ 2011.
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