THE MORNING AFTER.....

THE MORNING AFTER....

THERE IS AN OBVIOUS REASON WHY THEY SAY YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK YOUR WORRIES AWAY....

BECAUSE THEY ARE STILL THERE  THE MORNING AFTER!

So.... what to do..... I had organised a Hearing Test and needed to get my son to the hospital by 8.30am. I couldn't sleep anyway.... so I sat in the early hours of the morning reading everything I could on Toe-Walking..... feeling like there was a Jack-hammer going off in my head. As I slowly drank my extra strong coffee..... I had to take a moment.

I didn't feel like crying, I didn't feel like giving in.... but I certainly didn't know where to start... it was like limbo!

I know I am certainly not the woman I was all those years ago, shell-shocked and left devastated by news that my child was Autistic.

She is long gone!

But I certainly wasn't feeling confident, positive or inspired by what I needed to do. 

I guess I just needed some time. Time to get my head around all the information I was given at yesterday's appointment and more Vitamin B - to get rid of this annoying hangover.

I don't have time to be tired, drained, or for self-pity. I knew I couldn't wait around for help. I didn't want comments of so-called support/ pity...."understanding my situation" to make me feel better. I actually didn't want to talk to anyone about it or get opinions .... all I wanted was to get this train out of the station.... and on the rehabilitation track fast..... and I needed to start today.

SAY WHAT .....!

No.... this isn't me.

But I am almost positive I had the exact same look on my face after my visit to the Pediatrican on Tuesday. 

Firstly.... advised to get my youngest another hearing test at the Neurosensory Unit, Holy Spirit Hospital..... abnormalities in his ears..... I am starting to feel guilty that I didn't opt for the grommets when he had his tonsil and adenoids removed.  My reasoning at the time was... I had absolutely no way of ensuring I could keep his head dry. My son will pour a cup of water over his head if he is hot or sweaty. He submerges in the bath and lives for swimming in Summer.

Secondly.... we are on the Meds.  

It's a low dose so I have been forewarned there will be little or no side effects.

It is a trial for one month, while he is still at school, reporting in every week.

I have been told I will probably see no effects at home.... it will all be at school.  All his teachers and Aides should she is my child a little "more settled", able to focus for longer and sit at his desk for longer. As he cannot swallow a tablet. I am having to crush his meds  into a powder, mix them with butter and disguise it on a drug-laced sandwich.  I need to make sure it is enticing enough that he will want to eat it all.  It needs to be administered in the morning with food and then at lunch-time with food.

.....a quick note, we started yesterday.  I am still trying not to take it personally that I was told what a dream my child was at school.... how different and wonderful he was. Issue.... the second tablet was given too late and I had one hyperactive, monster on my hands last night, who just couldn't go to sleep.

Today was a little different.... the reports are.... completely different from day 1. More unsettled, distracted behaviour.  But hey, at least he is asleep by 9pm tonight! 

Oh it's going to be a long two weeks..... "tweaking his drugs"..... makes me shudder!

Thirdly..... this one was a complete shocker!

While measuring my boy's height, our specialists noticed how high he was standing on his toes. I had noticed it too.... We tried to get him to put his feet flat down. He leaned over and obviously couldn't stand up straight. His toe walking had been on my mind this year. He becomes very tight in his calf muscles. Swimming used to help but wasn't any more. This was one of the reasons why I decided to start studying Remedial Massage at home. We get no assistance from the Government and Disability services, so paying for a private Physiotherapist wasn't something I could afford this year. Especially when our focus has been on behaviour and speech. My specialists gave me a concern look and basically stated my three options;  A referral to a Rehabilitation Physiotherapist at the children's hospital for further assessment..... treatments involving; binding and casting both legs to stretch his Achilles tendon. Botox injections into his calf muscles, freezing them so he cannot get up on his toes but this would also require anaesthetic as it is a painful procedure. Third and final choice... surgery lengthening his Achilles tendon, followed by casting and months of rehabilitation and braces. My son's calf muscles were very close to contracture (permanent shortening of the tendon and muscles). Once in this state my only option would be surgery.

1....2....3  and She's OUT!

So what to do when faced with all this information...... ?

I went home, looked after my children, put them into bed and.....

I drank.... vodka shots.

"D-Day...."

D-Day....

Tomorrow is "D-Day" for my youngest son..... Drug-Day that is.

We are off to see his Pediatrician and face a fate that I been desperately trying to avoid for years. I was hoping and praying that after we got through his Adenoidectomy this year, his sleep and overall ability to cope with mainstream school would settle down.  But after a few months now of erratic sleep patterns and behaviour, squealing, resistance and severe banging of his head out of frustration while at school.... a setting where he is expected to conform somewhat.... I need to go and face the possibility of looking at chemical therapy.  Drugs to help him concentrate within a school setting.
I am trying to be open-minded.
I am trying to look at this from an non-emotional perspective.
I loathe these decisions..... but unfortunately someone has to make them and carry the guilt if all goes horribly wrong.  In my previous few appointments, the possibility of chemicals has been raised before.  It's not that uncommon.... especially with kids on the Spectrum.  From my own personal experience I understand the need to rebalance your mind. The chemicals will, I have been assured, help to do this. 
Tomorrow will be interesting. I have previously discussed with my child's Pediatrician, that if I choose the path of drugging my child, and due to the fact that he is non-verbal and cannot tell me if any of the long list of sight effects is being experienced.... that he had better organise to drug me with the same medication first. That is the only way I will administer the tablets. I need to know how he could be reacting.  You can imagine my specialists reaction.... but if these "drugs" are as harmless and useful as I have been told.... bring it on!  There shouldn't be any reason for me to react. In fact unless I am Autistic and not yet realised it..... they will not effect me at all !   


Why do I suddenly feel like a caged laboratory rat?


I guess I just feel that it is just the most unnatural thing for a parent to consider. Using drugs so other can "cope" with your child.....  drugs to help them be "normal" and "conform".... it is so contradictory.  But unless I go this road... I will never know. And besides I am not doing this for anyone else but my child.  If it helps him.....  If it makes his world a little easier.... if it takes away his frustration of not being able to communicate. I have voiced my opinion to all those who will listen, DRUGS WILL NOT MAKE HIM SPEAK!  I need that message to be heard loud and clear. I actually don't know what they will do..... or how they will affect him.


Time to take a deep, long, breath... and step of the edge... into the unknown.