Happy Birthday Shhh!

Happy Birthday Shhh!

Shhh.... Today is my youngest son's 7th birthday.

Quite ironic to fall on World Autism Awareness Day..... but never the less.

This year I had made the decision to not to celebrate his Birthday on the day he was actually born. Not that I need to justify this to anyone criticising my actions, but in sharing the factors behind my decision, I am trying to educate, how families living with Autism are required on a daily basis, to "think outside the box."

As posted earlier in the year, my eldest son chose to have a party for his birthday, over a present. A fantastic opportunity to create great memories, socialise and have fun.  Even though we had a few small glitches.... the event was a great success. It wasn't about how many children were invited, the venue, the expense, spectacular themed cakes, extravagant games and prizes, catering and decorations. It was about friendships, family, respect, values and creating a moment for my child where he was confident, relaxed, happy and surrounded by great people. Of course I wanted to provide a similar "birthday memory" for my youngest. Our family is working on the R.D.I Philosophy. Creating Episodic memories, is part of that development. By creating these memories, they will be used when faced with uncertainty in life based on; events, times, places, associated emotions, and other relevant knowledge.

Not all the careful planning and organisation in the world, would have helped in organising a birthday celebration for my son to take place today. Sometimes in life, there are appointments, responsibilities or situations that can not be avoided or postponed for any reason. This week our family had numerous challenges. It was a particularly unsettling week for my young son.  For the first time in three years he was sent home from school as he just could not cope that day. Luckily for me, his teachers, aides and I are optimistic. We know this could have been due to; a slight head-cold, the anxiety in our home at the time - as my eldest was preparing to leave on camp, the fact that this school term is 12 weeks long and  EVERYONE  has had enough, a sensory overload, the fact that he had very irregular sleep patterns for the previous three nights.... anything really.  The point is, that I have faith and trust in wonderful people who work with my son. Our relationship is strong. When they see my son behaving in a distressing way, that isn't the norm, the call is put out to me immediately. It is then MY DECISION, depending on the irregular behaviour, as to whether or not I need to intervene and collect him. 

On this day..... I needed to bring him home.

After this incident at school, the following consumed our week. An Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist appointment, my eldest left for camp, another Psychology appointment and a Sensory Assessment on Friday. As well, during this very expensive week of medical responsibilities, my young son was highly stressed, fretting for his older brother. 

Was this a good time to prepare a birthday party for him......?

Of course it wasn't !  

I needed to consider, not only all the above factors, but also the fact his brother was not here to help, plan and be involved. My little guy would not be at school to take treats in to share with his classmates - due to his medical appointments. His grandparents were in Adelaide, his mood, behaviour and Autistic traits were extreme just from the week's activities.  From past experience trying to celebrate his birthday, at home, then again at school and again with relatives, results in a total shut down from my son. He hates the birthday song.... it's either the volume, tone or pitch... he will retreat with his fingers in his ears and his hands over his eyes. All the different settings and small celebrations confuse him as he doesn't quite "understand" what a birthday is. He never eats the cake... as he doesn't really like that kind of food. He hates the sound of balloons popping or being blown up.  He has only just (in the last year) got the whole idea of unwrapping a "surprise" (present).... so to give him a box full of toys means nothing.

Basically Birthday are a SENSORY NIGHTMARE for him.

Please do not think that I am going to "compensate" to my son's Autistic traits. As his mum, that is not my way or the R.D.I way. He will have his birthday celebration. He will be surrounded by family and friends who know him, understand his needs and love him. We will create beautiful, birthday memories for him to recall and use again when he attends other children's parties. He will have his day of feeling special. We will continue to work towards helping him understand what his age and a "birthday" means. He will have a great home-made cake (one of my new birthday traditions), he will have brightly presented gifts to unwrap, he will blow out his 7 candles surrounded by those who adore and support him and he will take his 25 little treats to school to share with his school friends.  The only difference, I need to choose a more settled time, when his whole family can be around to celebrate with him.  My son's birthday is not about my feelings or what I want !  It is what is best for him.  It is not about a big expensive party filled with children he cannot even engage or look at. It is not about noise, surprises and atmosphere. It is about him. Giving him the opportunity to feel special for just one day out of the year.

Isn't that what a birthday is really about anyway ?

This morning I crept into his room while he slept. I wished him a Happy Birthday, kissed his forehead and stroked his hair. I reminded myself of why I need to stay strong, focused and determined in my efforts. I affirmed everything I know, how thankful I am to have my sons, thankful for family and friend's support and blessed that I have the determination to continue striving for a better quality of life .... for my Autistic child.

"Happy Birthday Little Man!"