The Truth, the Whole Truth and nothing but the Truth!

"Smelling isn't everything" said the Elephant. "Why," said the Bulldog, "If a fellow can't trust his nose, what is he to trust?" 

"Well, his brains perhaps," she replied mildly. 

C.S. Lewis 

I absolutely love this quote. But it did get me thinking.... 

What value does trust have in our home ? 

I know that children on the spectrum are labelled or defined as Trustworthy, honest, because they only see things in black and white. they are categorised as having no "grey Area thinking". that is, to see both sides of a predicament or opinion. I know in my situation... this is all a load of absolute rubbish!

Well I'm just being honest!

The word "trust" in our home has a past. I realise you are thinking.....what is she talking about? To explain.... trust in our home has always been quite valued. We lived a very open and honest life, transparent, so I thought. I would pride myself on raising polite, honest young men. My relationship with the boys father, honest and upfront... "say it how it is, no beating around the bush." Even in the classroom, we would send out the message of , "Be respectful, Be truthful, Be friends." and "Treat others as you would want to be treated." But I often wonder what value the truth actually has in society or really in the world ? a world that will eventually be at my boys beckoning. If I wasn't truthful with myself, I wasn't going to be able to prepare them to go forth and face a situation that was full of lies, mistrust, Deceit and masks. How could they possibly survive? Would they continually be taken advantage of ? Most of us have great skills at Deciphering body language, tone, expression, and can tell the difference between a con and someone being honest. Whereas, like kids on the spectrum, can't. Some learn from past experiences - rather harshly either through a broken relationship, friendship or job. Some of us loose finances being ripped off by people who portray to be something they are not. or buy an item that appears to be in good condition only to find out later, it's junk! Life is full of these types of situations. Maybe it is a case of working out the difference between a white lie,(in case you hurt someone you care about ) or not having the confidence to say what you really think in a given situation. Instead of Confrontation some use silence and restraint, rather that to be honest and say what they think. Maybe it is a case of... better to walk away than to face realities knowing the result will erupt into aggression. I don't know. I am not sure I want to live in a totally honest world anyway. Imagine that! On a bad hair day, lack of sleep and feeling like a train wreck.... is it really going to help, having those who you care about telling you what they really think? interesting thought, but I think I rather be lied to or shown a bit of compassion.

After going through some of the hardest lessons I think I will ever have to experience in my life-time, watching my children loose total trust in the one person they should never have to, i think maybe there is too much focus on the word "trust". Besides how many of us tell lies or "Stretch the truth" every day. I know I have. Usually to protect my children from going through pain. But what happens when these boys become men. I would hate to think they were not open and honest in their lives, relationships and most importantly, honest with themselves. It is always easier not to see the truth when comes to ourselves, isn't it. harder to look at the reality of a situation or take responsibility for our actions. But are we really doing ourselves any favours if we don't ? Are we not just building up "baggage" ? Eventually all that baggage will weigh us down and maybe one day, we will not be able to rise up and keep going. Is it really that hard for people to be honest? I mean, if we cannot face the person we want to confront, we can always write a letter or send an email.... that is the age we live in. Beautiful really. We don't have to expose ourselves, always having a safety net. 

Facing facts.... to be honest and live honestly, to be an open book, to tell people we care about what we really think, takes guts! Some of us have it.... some of us don't. I am quite sure though to be a positive guide to our children, to be a worthy role model, earn respect and love from those around us requires honesty with ourselves. I couldn't bare living a complete lie my entire life. I don't think I could look at myself in the mirror. I know I couldn't carry on living that lie and still achieve all that I want to achieve. But than again I have been told in the past, my morals and values are way too high. I guess it comes down to a personal decision. Only you can decide how to live your life and raise your children. I think rather than pushing our kids to be honest..... to always tell the truth, we should maybe trying to model and foster a respectful relationship. teaching Our kids how to communicate. I mean, if we respect and value each other and we know how to communicate, then we wouldn't really have to be deceitful or lie. If respect and knowledge is there, we can listen, think and voice our opinions (that's communicating). we can confidently do this without hiding what we really want to say. Modelling these skills too, we in essence, would be showing compassion and acceptance. 

I have always held onto hope that as my boys grow they will be able to turn to me about anything. That they will know they can trust me to keep their confidence and always support them. I guess the first step towards this is to give them some space. By doing this and getting on with my life, they have the space to experience things without me hovering....trying to know everything that is going on with them. That is a hard thing to do as a parent. To let them go! Especially when you know, Life can cause pain. 

I guess this is where i have to decide whether i want to let go, live life, love again and model forgiveness, moving on a little wiser. I know time plays a huge role here. this surely would be a better road to greater fulfilment. I know this is ultimately where i want to be and I guess, if I can show this to my sons, they will be able to join me, in time. to have us all on that path, growing stronger in character and learning to have faith, in not only those around us, but more importantly in ourselves does not seem like such an unrealistic dream any more.

Embracing Change

And just like that the first step is taken....   

A small step yes... but one I have a really good feeling about.

“You see, in life, lots of people know what to do, but few people actually do what they know. Knowing is not enough! You must take action.”  
A. Robbins

Thinking about today and my epiphany .... reflecting on the blog I had written, I have taken some decisive action.  If my family is reading along.... do not panic! I am not packing up and taking off with my kids.  Even though this is something I intend to do on my own, when the boys are older, so for now I thought I had better play it safe.  

Tonight is the first little step, in rising up against all the things that I see restricting me in having an exciting, fruitful life experience with my kids.  So using my older son as a sounding board for my idea... I took a breath and blurted it out.

"I have decided that this year we are going to do things a little differently."  Immediately , he raised his eyebrows in disgust.  But I decided to press on.

"Instead of buying Christmas presents and doing the same things we do every year.... what do you think about renting a camper van and driving up the Qld coast ?"  I waited for the fall out, thinking he would not cope with the whole idea of not getting a present. ....(hmmm...........silence....) 

"So instead of a present for you and your brother, family, friends, teachers etc etc... (which may I add can be a really expensive tradition)  I thought we would give our family a joint present, for all of us to enjoy, a holiday adventure." .... expecting an immediate negative response, I am happy to say, my son thought it was a great idea.

For the next hour, we talked and "googled" information, both quite excited about the prospect of having a holiday.  You see like most other families, busy looking after their children's needs,   we have not been on a holiday in about 6 years. Our last "family holiday" was just before the boys dad and I parted ways, for a 3 day break at the sunshine coast.  Prior to that I would say, it would have been another 6/7 years before, just after I was married.  So for our family, we do not go on holidays much.  It is something that I have always wanted to do with the boys, but we had other priorities.   This year I decided to "change" my priorities.... (see previous blog from today.)  

The preparation begins....  we have researched the information....    a camper van to hire and drive north.  First we wanted to go to Tin Can Bay and to the Dolphin feeding and research centre.  I have always wanted my youngest son to see real dolphins. I have heard of their "sixth" sense, especially with sick or disabled children.  Tin Can Bay is off the Northern Sunshine Coast. Having a camper van means we can stop in at caravan parks as we explore.  Next on to the Turtle experience at Mon Repos, Australia’s sea turtle rookery, at Mon Repos Conservation Park, near Bundaberg. Probably staying at the amazing Bargara Beach.  The boys and I have never seen turtles laying eggs on the beach in their natural environment. You also get to see the eggs hatching, followed by the amazing experience of the baby turtles heading down the beach towards the open sea.  I can't wait.

That is basically as far as we got... a small step but a step.  We are going to continue our journey throughout the year, researching and decision making as a family.  The turtle breeding season begins in November.  I am not too phased about taking the boys out of school for a week.  I thought our first adventure would need to be small...  easy...  besides it will take me the year to get it sorted.  I am so excited about this.  I will continue to blog our progress.

See what a positive change can bring.... spontaneous decisions, energy and togetherness.  I am so grateful and blessed right now.  That wasn't a challenge at all. The challenge will be actually doing it.  In our family though, once a promise is made and plans are set, I cannot go back on my word.  I don't promise my boys anything....unless I can fulfil that promise.  I'll make it happen for them.  

Epiphany

Isn't it funny when you have one of those days when everything becomes a little more clearer.  Today was one of those days. 

My family is extremely fortunate to have access to Minds and Hearts in Brisbane. This clinic established by Professor Tony Attwood, offers services specialising in Aspergers and Autism. They are really, in my opinion, amazing at offering supportive therapies and hope to families living with the ASD spectrum.

Today I was supposed to take my eldest son in for his regular session. We have been attending the clinic for years, so this opportunity to get advice, learn and reflect is something I look forward to.  It helps me cope.  Today was different though. My son didn't want to miss any school..... at first I panicked!  Is he sick I thought to myself?  After taking his temperature and picking myself up off the floor, as I am sure I passed out for a few seconds, for probably the first time in 4 years, my son was telling me he didn't need to go and talk about anything.  In fact, he didn't want to miss any school.  I realised he was in a good place right now. He was trying to show me that he wanted to be responsible for his learning and commitments.  I couldn't believe he was showing me this.  For years, he has always complained about school. He liked it, but couldn't cope with the work-load or home work, and in the past few years, struggled to understand in social situations. I was always begging him "not to close the door to learning", but he struggles to see other's perspectives, so doesn't really feel that he needs to be shown how to do things.  "A typical Bush-Lawyer.... always right and always his way!".  Now many would think.... this is quite typical for a hormonal almost teenage boy.....  but when you throw in a mix of ASD genes and have a mother who was a teacher and had been working actively within the State School system for almost 15 years, this attitude is like waving a red flag  in front of a bull.  I never quite understood his reasoning. He was always read to at night as a young child, fostering the love of learning and books at a  young age. He even used to come into my classroom, where I was teaching and help me organise things, mark books etc. I had always demonstrated a very high work ethic to my children.... it is who I am and one of the reasons I have not been able to return to the classroom.  My philosophy is.... if I can't do a job to the degree that I want (110%), I could not commit.... my kids come first. So having those values, I was positive that he too would develop the same.  Until recently, I thought I was wrong. My eldest, had never shown the same zest for learning and determination that I had. In fact, everything was always too hard, and would never put any real effort into his school work. Again this would frustrate me beyond belief.  But today...... an epiphany!  

Sitting in the chair at Minds and Hearts, talking to his therapist about our family, filling him on all the wonderful things my son was achieving and doing, I realised something.  My first born son, the one who developed early, talked early and who I held such great dreams for was coping to the best of his ability for now.  Yes he was struggling with time management,  and yes he was struggling academically, he does have a social age younger than he should, and his emotional development age is even younger, his Aspergers traits are extremely obvious now (not so much when he was younger) and he will always struggle with anxiety, probably for the rest of his life. But somehow I realised that all of those things, as daunting as they are, are relatively unimportant.  I never thought I would hear myself say.... "his academic results at school are just not a priority!"  Learning within a school setting just doesn't suit him.  What I needed to do is just help him cope, and get through each day.

I guess I realised that, it is time just to accept and stop trying to get him to be something that he just isn't.  I cannot change the fact that his attention span and memory is short.  I will probably never be able to get him to organise himself and set priorities when it comes to assignments and home-work. He will always find learning difficult, especially if it involves being stuck in front of a text book.  And  does it really matter if he fails a Japanese test when he is 12 years old?  Why did I feel that I needed to make him fit the accepted norm of  "this is how a child is to develop." Why did I feel that this particular area, could be fixed... maybe it can't be fixed.... maybe this is just who he is.   I have read so many things supporting this train of thought. I even held a different opinion when it came to my younger son.... I guess I just didn't see it before.... but now I do.    

So...... now I have this over-whelming feeling to just pack everything up, grab my kids and go travel. No more restrictions, therapists, commitments and time frames. No more rushing....no more restraints. To just go and experience everything the world and life has to offer.  Who can honestly say that my kids would be worse off if I did just act on an impulse ?   An unattainable dream?  Maybe not....  probably just need to bring my head out of the clouds and take little steps towards that dream.... one at a time!   Something is telling me that I can do this and achieve this lifestyle without such radical steps.  

The Honeymoon is Over.

Another week has come to an end... and yes.... the Honeymoon is Over.
My youngest has had a difficult week, struggling from the heat, noise levels within the classroom, boundaries of what is expected and wearing the school uniform as it irritates his skin. He has been extremely tired when he comes home...mentally exhausted and his Autistic traits are heightened.  When this happens, it is basically "action stations" here at home.  I need to ensure he is eating well, drinking lots of water, that the house and his bedroom are cool at all times, that he has Epsom Salts in his bath each night to help his muscles relax, that he is in a  good sleep pattern and given "down time" (basically he can just choose whatever he wants to do, with no demands placed on him).  I am finding that he doesn't talk much when he comes home, just lots of little noises.  The first thing he seems to be doing is taking off all his clothes and standing in front of the dining room air conditioner. Thank-goodness we do not have too many visitors in the afternoon.... his nudity can be a bit confronting for some. He has been not venturing out-side to his round trampoline as he usually does, bouncing for hours on end, due to the heat. We have been regularly going to he local pool for a swim in the afternoon, where I watch him, splashing and jumping at first, then quietly floating  or submerging in the water as his body seeks out the release from the water pressure.  Yes he is amazingly different after swimming. My little man has always has been though. I think this will be the "key"  for stress release and resetting his mind.  We all know the effect of exercise has on us mentally, releasing those endorphins and helping us "cope" with all life's little changes.  Like most parents, the problem has always been  access private lessons for swimming with an appropriate instructor to meet my son's needs. We had found a wonderful program at Sam Reilly's Swim School in Everton Park, but since his instructor has just recently moved onto bigger and better things, I am now trying to seek a new avenue.  To be truthful too.... this program is certainly not a cheap option, but it was all that was available at the end of last year.  Don't get me wrong, a wonderful program... just expensive as you need to cover fees for 1 to 1 lessons.  
Like other families we are continually applying to Disability Queensland for funding assistance to help with this sort of cost.  However if any one reading this has ever before tried to seek help through Disability Queensland, you will know how difficult that is. Our family has been rejected for funding 4 years in a row now.  This makes the possibility of trying to fund therapy almost unattainable.  I guess I am feeling the "pinch" more so than ever as our Autism funding will cut off on my son's 7th  Birthday, in April this year.  From then on I know there is very little available to our family to help cover his needs.  I have been searching for a while now, as with his school, just to seek out avenues for support. But so far we have been unable to find any resources. 
This of course raises the absolute need for reform from Government, and this is why people are so enthusiastic about a National Disability Insurance Scheme . So as a mother of children with special needs... visit the website, read, talk about it to people you know, sign the petition. 
At present a "Productivity Commission" is investigating the need for such a system (NDIS). We are all holding our breath, hoping that finally a long-term care and support system will be installed in Australia. The Commission will release a report next month, before a final report on 31 July. It has been proposed that an NDIS would be a no-fault insurance scheme funded by all taxpayers through general revenue or as an extension of the Medicare insurance levy. It would provide personal support, therapy, aids and equipment, home modifications, and employment training for all people who are born with, or acquire, a permanent disability at any stage during their life. Did you know that currently, 1.4 million Australians have a serious disability and by 2030, there will be around 2.9 million people with a serious disability in this country and on top of that, consider the thought of family and friends who are now providing personal care to people with disabilities. This is an enormous epidemic.  Unfortunately even if this scheme is approved, it will take years before it will be functionally implemented. I know what you are thinking.... not extremely helpful for our family or maybe your situation right now, but think of the thousands of people it will help in the future.


So until that time when more support is available, we as parents must band together, discuss, educate and seek out ways of helping each other. Please do not hesitate to share thoughts or links with those around you. Our children have the right to freedom of life.

"Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed."
Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Here are some links you maybe interested in checking out.

http://everyaustraliancounts.com.au/

http://www.1000hours.com.au/

http://a4.org.au

Head Down Keep Going.....

A very respected, wise and dear friend of mine once said..... 

“It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.”

 ....Mark Twain

We come across people in our who lives who make such an impact... it's inspiring, energising and breath-taking all at once.  It is the shared knowledge and friendships from these people that get us through even the most challenging of days.  Anyone who has a child with ASD, or knows a child with ASD would understand what I am talking about.  It can be so mentally and physically draining just trying to keep to a routine, just trying to prevent a self-harming behaviour or just trying to cope as a parent day in and day out.  

Riding the ASD emotional roller-coaster is a daily occurrence in our family.  I am constantly trying to balance the "needs scale" between both of my boys.... one who talks too much, at inappropriate times and usually about topics that impact only his needs, and one that doesn't talk so much except for when reciting wiggles songs or fixating on set phrases from books, but will squeal and become frustrated at a drop of a hat.  I would have to say that most of the time the needs scales are unbalanced, over-weighted and strained.  So how do we keep going?   


I have absolutely no idea!  

I think it is because I am continually inspired by those people who surround me.  Whether it is my mother's never ending energy levels,  my sister's multi-tasking, kind heart and patience, my best friend's ability to achieve so much in her life and raise two amazing daughter's - constantly aspiring to learn more and do more, or another dear friend who can stand up to a mountain of injustice, find a pathway through, leading others, becoming a voice for those who do not have one - all the while living a positive life, never judging, always listening, ready to sacrifice for the greater good.  People with these qualities walk in and out of our lives constantly, but sometimes what makes them so special is over-looked.  This is very much so in an ASD world where it is difficult to see that others have needs too. People are there just to  serve a purpose.  So what happens to the parent who doesn't live in an ASD world?   I'm not sure.  In our case, I think continuing to move forward mentoring and guiding my boys in emotions, actions, empathy and love. It is a challenge, but what I have learnt is that, to sit and wait for help or sympathy or the recognition that you have needs... is toxic.  We have to "rise up" for ourselves. Take charge, make positive moves towards firstly recognising that we do have needs and that the only way forward is to not feel guilty about taking time to recharge. This way we can be all we need to be.  And in essence a more productive role model to our kids.  In life there are no hand outs or easy paths.  Challenges are there to inspire our thinking and self-value.  If we want things to change, the only way, is to make this happen ourselves.
We all need to learn to appreciate what it is about those around us, that makes them special. To take the time to stop and value all the positive things about our family and friends. Life can get so busy, that days slip by before we realise.  We are all guilty of taking people for granted or relying on them for things we shouldn't. Independence is the key here.

I have always held the opinion of.... if I hear the word "never", then some-how it must be possible.  Just because my child is Autistic, does not mean that he will never be independent. If anything, I hope to raise my boys with the ability to slow down and value what it is that makes a person unique. To learn, to listen, to support. To develope independence in their thoughts, feelings and lives. This is a massive goal to have for my kids, one I have been told is impossible.  Ahhh! to dream the impossible dream!   I know I can do it, for as I said earlier......

“It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.”

(Thank-you  Moz)

Something to think about......

• 80% of marriages with either an ASD child or parent ends in divorce.
• High functioning Autism is challenging for both parents. "Low functioning" Autism can be overwhelming to the entire family.
• In America: 1:110 children have Autism. When Lachie was first diagnosed this statistic was 1:160. That was only 5 years ago.
• Even though ASD cannot be cured, skills can be taught to cope in life.
• Never say never!

Life's Disapointments

Have you ever been in a situation where things just do not appear to be what you think ?  Maybe it is a situation you find yourself in, a person you thought you knew, a connection or understanding that really wasn't connected at all?  
We often get confused by situations, people, learning and life....and were are the supposedly "neuro-typical ones!"  
Reflect for a minute....  How difficult life is for us in general to negotiating time, commitments, work, school, families, relationships and friendships. Then for a minute try to think what it would be like for a person who has no ability to be able to use the information that we do, to face all of the above.  To be unable to read facial expressions, read body language, understand sarcastic remarks or slang, sympathise or feel empathy. To not have the ability to see other's perspectives or understand why a situation has changed suddenly.  To not be able to draw on "positive past experiences" when faced with uncertainty, to not any sense of "being spontaneous" or to take risks for fear of the "unknown."  All the above things I have described are characterised of how a person with Autism or Aspergers can think. Of course I can only comment on my own children's experience, but many of the above are present traits that lie within the Autism Spectrum.  
When I first discovered my son was Autistic, I was so over-whelmed with questions, for me, the only answer was knowledge. I have always said knowledge is power....  So I began to read.  But when reading book after book, watching too many DVD's to count and listening to many specialists, all that information, we are told to believe, becomes very consuming.  Over the years I have learnt that we need to make our own assumptions based on how our children develop.  I hadn't even considered any of the above characteristics until I was introduce to the R.D.I program. That is... Relationships Developmental Intervention.  I guess I was awestruck when it did finally hit me..... all of the above things were areas of development I hadn't even considered important. As my son was diagnosed as "non-verbal", I was focussing on speech. Even if that meant words with no meaning. At least he was speaking right?   But how important are they?    .....in my opinion VITAL!  How else can a person function in a world that constantly changes and throws obstacles within our path.  How do we solve problems at home, social conflicts and at work?  I feel how we do cope with change and obstacles defines what sort of person we are.  That is; problem-solver/ positive/ being able to be creative/ sympathetic/ strong/ determined / opinionated/ forth-right/ an achiever/ a learner/ educator/ accepting/ respectful/ someone that makes things happen/ someone that can cope with extreme pressure/ strong-hearted/ powerful/ confident. How we behave and act, determines how and if we can survive in the "real world" .  Experience with various ASD programs over the years have not given much value to these "survival needs". Isn't it time we raise the bar for those that didn't develop these things naturally?  Why can't we teach these skills?  Isn't it time we stop turning our ASD kids into little robots who recite set phrases without intent or meaning just to hear them talk?  Don't we want more for our ASD kids?  ..... a better life?    I know I do....

Year One will be a huge journey....for us all.

My youngest son's first year at school is going to be a wonderful experience. My aim here is to blog my way through the next four terms.  I wanted to share how he grows, his achievements, his challenges. But most importantly, I want to share what is possible how, when people come together, with support, awareness and compassion and what can be achieved. 


I am extremely grateful that I have access to All Saints School at Albany Creek. Not only does it have an amazing staff teaching our children, but it has an over-whelming sense of community. This no doubt, has a lot to do with the families attached to the school and the parish members from our church. Even though this is not my sons first year at All Saints, (he has already completed 2 years of Prep), it is his first experience in a mainstream classroom - under a Year 1 structure.  Luckily again for our family, we have an amazing teacher for him this year (she also taught my older son when he was in Year 4), so was well informed of the boys past. Just the fact that my little guy has 5 days at All Saints is really a credit to his incredible aides that are with him 90% of the time and a woman who I feel incredibly indebted to... his learning support teacher, fondly referred to as "Jeff".  I know she has been the driving force behind every opportunity my son has been given within this school. She is at times my "rock."


A good example of this was on his first day of year one.  He had started on the Thursday, due to the Australia Day Public Holiday. We knew the "bustle" of parents on the first day at school would over-whelm him, so made the decision to delay his start.  To be perfectly honest.... it was a really rough morning.  He had sensory issues with his uniform, as this year we had changed from a polo shirt to a shirt with buttons and a collar. He had new shoes that were uncomfortable after a 7 week break over the X-mas holidays and another change in routine. He also doesn't cope with the heat, as his body temperature is somewhat higher than normal.  I know, when reflecting on this morning, that I was anxious  too. Really not knowing what to expect.  With all the mentoring and advice about my sons high Sensory issues and his "sixth sense" to react to a mood/feeling.... this particular morning it was beyond my control.  
After struggling to get both the boys to school on time, I could already see him beginning to melt down. He was resistant to getting dressed, wouldn't eat - another sign that he is stressed, squealing and banging his head, before we even got into the car.  By the time I drove 2 mins down to the school his traits were in full force. The blank stares, the resistance, the unknown had pushed him into melt-down mode.  We had no photos of him in his uniform, no smiles, no laughter.... I wasn't able to walk him to his classroom, like many other parents and place his books into his desk. Instead I headed straight for Learning Support. I calmly sat him down in the air conditioning and held him as he cuddled into me...saying "no". Within a few minutes "Jeff" was at the door. I looked up at her and fell apart into a crying mess.  My "rock" hugged me, reassuring me that it was Ok.  
At the time I felt guilty that I had been selfish enough to want a piece of normality. The photos, the walk into his room, the excitement of Year 1, the smiles.... everything that I had experience with his brother. The bigger picture is.... I can get photos another morning when he was more settled, I can go to his classroom and look at his desk when he is more comfortable within that setting, I will see the smiles and excitement when I pick him up in the afternoon.  This is just the way it is.  
The final result of his first day at school was all positive. "Jeff" and his aide had organised friends to visit him in Learning Support. They all went down to his classroom, put his books away and my boy had a great settled day. At 3pm when it was time to collect him.... I got my smiles and cuddles.  This child amazes me day in day out and for the first time, on that day... I was at peace!

"The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team."

John Wooden

Challenges and Victories

Throughout my life I have experienced many challenges and many small victories. 

Yes, the emphasis seems to be on "small victories".... but when parenting, I am not just referring to children with needs. I feel we need to be more positive and embrace the smaller achievements. Who knows, when all these smaller "wins", witnessed and acknowledged by both parent and child, become more frequent....those that are few will grow into many, and before we realise it, the balance of scales shift. I know from first hand experience the power of positive thinking. To live life with hope and let go of feelings and thoughts that drain us physically and mentally, is far more achievable than most would think.

It wasn't too long ago that I had felt completely lost. I had no idea of who I was, where I was going, how to parent my children or even how to be a friend to those who surrounded me. I would shut out family who just wanted to love and support me, I was, in essence giving in, falling. I felt broken and could not see any direction. I felt that I was unable to raise two boys on my own and could see no "light at the end of the tunnel." It was like a disease, eating me up and overcoming me with such rigour, that I could not see anything positive or worthwhile about my life or more importantly me. I felt like everyone was out to hurt me... like my actions were constantly in slow motion....surreal! Many of you are probably thinking, and would be right in assuming.... yes... depression. This is not something that I am ashamed of, nor is it "taboo" to discuss, like in my other households. I was not a "mental case" for having depression, I was not a "fruit-loop" or any of those other terms we are all guilty of using when referring to mental health issues. 

I had in my life, experienced many layers of life changing events. I believe, and clearly see now, that when all these "layers" build on each other, growing with such intensity and power, the only option really for our body and mind, is complete shut down. Now, this is where I think we can all relate. Some of us have no way of recharging or "re-booting" our body to "rise up, cope and continue." Some of us need the love and support of our friends and family to help us recharge, some of use need medical assistance, while some, and yes these people are out there..... tend to come out of it on their own, in time. For me I guess it was family and my own determination that drove me back to the road leading forward. I have a strong will, but I am not invincible. I am far from perfect, making many mistakes but I will keep going. I try to be positive and realistic about life. This is probably a laughable statement to those who know me well, as they are the ones that have to listen to me vent over things I am not happy about. But generally speaking I am more positive each and every day. 

I have been riding the Autism Roller-coaster for a few years now and I know that through thinking positively about my son's disabilities, by having dreams and goals for myself and my children, by letting things go, by slowing down and taking the time to "breathe", by learning to be "friends" with myself, my children and others, by opening myself up to new experiences, new hope, new people and learning to connect again with what I value..... is how I can be positive about my family's future. 

There is not quick fix when it comes embracing life, love and experience. Everything takes time. I am just at the start of my journey. But I guess the one thing I hold very dear to my heart is the fact that, I have people who believe in me. When I thought I was alone, I wasn't. When I felt useless, I was reminded of my achievements, when I felt unheard... people around me listened. They were always there.... but it took me some time to slow down and notice them and be thankful for their presence. The power of positive thinking has to start with you.

Dedicated to my children, my family and my dearest friends here and afar. All that I am is because of your faith in me.