Self-Responsibility Affirmations.

 I am responsible for my life. I accept self-responsibility.

Today, I stand tall and brace my shoulders and with the courage of a hero and the smile of a conqueror and accept the truth that each of us is accountable for our lives, that each of us creates our destiny.

I take responsibility for my choices as well as the consequences of my actions.

I am in charge of my success, my failure, my  happiness, my sorrow, my victory, my defeat, my peace as well as my restlessness.

I realize that wisdom lies in accepting that I have control over my life alone.

Today, I turn my excuses into reasons to grow and fault-finding into learning outcomes. I take control of my thoughts and begin to make changes.

If It's Going to Be, It's Up to Me!

WATCHING THE SUN RISE.....

What a beautiful image. It's 5.11am. I watch the sun slowly creep into the morning sky. It's so peaceful, so quiet.

Youngest trouble-maker has been awake since 3.10am. Not a "night party" this weekend, he's restless. He nose is beginning to become congested, I'd say his tonsils are inflamed, making it difficult for him to fall into a deep sleep. I had heard him snoring quite loudly earlier in the night.

He's not bouncing around either like last weekend. He is just lying on the lounge watching a "Baby Einstein DVD".  He's had these since he was very young. He likes the visual slides and classical music, the rhythmical patterns. They calm him.  

I am not ignoring him but rather trying to just give space to relax. I know if I engage him too much at this point, it will only over-stimulate. He must be tired to be lying so still.

My young son had a better week at school. Quite settled, happy, less squealing and head bangs. When I recorded his behaviour for the week,(I do this to try and pinpoint triggers)  and check the family schedule, I noticed two major differences; 

1.  It was cooler!  Nights are starting to cool down. With rain and showers this week the humidity has dropped and the days have not been so "muggy".  So cooler weather always equals a happier boy.  

2. He had been swimming. This was part of the school program. Wed/Thurs/Fri.  So I highlight the positives of the water pressure on his body and cooler weather.  "Good job Mummy!"  I can hear my son saying.  

However, as I sit watching the beautiful day begin, I'm still a little perplexed by information relayed by his school yesterday.  One of  the support teachers had noticed, that during a lunch break, my boy's face went a pale white colour, followed by a long absent stare. She described it to me as "we lost him".  When I asked for how long?  she replied, "Only for a few minutes. It was quite weird."    I was told as he was happy, chatting in his own way, the first to be changed from swimming and to get his lunch box.... then suddenly the "absence".   I asked her to keep monitoring him, as I strongly believe there is more to this, than what I have been told by our doctors.  My intuition is telling me so. But for now I just record the information and thank god that we are heading out of the Summer -heat!  

I also need to get my son back to the Chiropractor.  It's on the long list for this week.  I notice how he walks around our home, on his tiptoes, trying to adjust himself, mimicking the sound of my Chiro's adjuster (a click noise). He then places my hands on his forehead to apply pressure. Essentially communicating his needs. He is so clever!

Funding for therapy and Chiropractors, Paediatricians, Ear Nose and Throat Specialists, Swimming Lessons etc has been almost non-existent.  I guess when you trying to pay for all medical and educational expenses on your own, with a pension, things can become extremely tough.  It isn't possible to give my sons the therapy they need, when I am the only liable parent. I have had to make some difficult choices. But with family support have managed to work around this, for the previous 4 years. But there is a need for change.  It may not exactly be fair, and yes I have challenged the systems in place before, facing court, filing applications, but I guess I had to decide whether it was better overall, to give-up the "fight" in order to win the "war ". The whole process drains me physically and I need that "sense of spirit" for my kids.  With funding options ceasing this year, and a new desire to achieve goals for myself, I need to make changes.

Disappointment creeps in at times. Life for my boys, should be so much easier. This is all I have ever requested though. When parents go their separate ways it certainly should not affect their children's quality of life... but in reality it does. I know that I have been naive in expecting that sense of parental responsibility would just happen. For some, it just doesn't. 
I would  love to source, where it is written that, people have the right to make children, bring them in the world, but somehow, are not accountable for raising their child ! Parenthood requires "courage".  

I really don't like procrastinating on this topic, but unfortunately, it plays a role when trying to raise kids with special needs.  Many parents go through the same thing everyday, people just don't talk about it. It is personal, we need to be respectful of that and I guess, that is why I stayed silent for so many years.   

I have been fortunate to have met some beautiful families and amazing parents  through ASD support groups. We have shared our thoughts concerning families, Autism and challenges. Amongst many conversations, I continually hear, that there is an inability to prioritise family over individual needs. This was really prevalent.  Now some might just view this selfishness... and essentially they would be right. But, I guess when this so called "selfishness", leads to life changes, disrupts relationships, work, friendships or even impacts the welfare of children, support is needed.

My family's wonderful Psychologist, Professor Tony Attwood, once told me that Aspergers is usually the underlying issue when treating Adult Depression, Anxiety, Breakdowns, and the inability to sustain employment, relationships and family. It affects how a person functions or copes with life.  Depression certainly doesn't cause Aspergers, but Depression or Anxiety can in some cases, stem from AspergersAspergers.   
I understand now, that this was purely "mother's guilt", and that I had no control over what had occurred in our situation.. 

I do believe it was important seek support about these fears and not to avoid asking the questions. I can recall, I was hesitant to hear the answers at the time... especially by someone as knowledgeable as Tony.  But I have discovered by having an understanding of who you are, your self identity including all your good and bad qualities, your morals, values, consciousness and feelings, to place value on this self acceptance, allows us to laugh, learn and live. Different roles are presented to us at various stages within our life and it is our self identity that determines, how we adapt, survive, problem solve, function, communicate, learn and guide when in these roles. Our self Identity I guess, is responsible for our quality of life. Happiness, security, acceptance, faith, hope and love..... we all desire these things and deserve to have them. It is human nature.

"And remember, no matter where you go, there you are. " ~Confucius

"You have the Answer. Just get quiet enough to hear it. " ~Pat Obuchowski

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” ~Albert Einstein

Power of words

A woman goes to her psychiatrist and complains, "I can't make any friends, doctor"

He replies, "Why do you think that is?" 

She answered, "I don't know, you stupid, fat, ugly idiot."


"The Power of Words."

I have to refer to this phrase continually within my home. Words can be just as powerful as our actions.  When used in the right context, they can bring power, love, anger, respect and good-will. They can educate, inspire and destroy, bring hope and leave confusion. 


I was trying to explain the "power of words" today to my eldest. He is writing an assignment on Nelson Mandela. It was so difficult for him to grasp meaning, the essence or message behind words used by inspirational heroes, like Mandela. I wanted my son to feel the passion of what was said, during that particular time.  But...and I do tend to do this, purely forget, just for a minute. That is, I forget that my boys have in a sense, "loose wiring" when it comes to this type of thinking and emotion. Now it certainly doesn't mean that this loose wiring can not be mended (sure I can do almost anything with a handy cable-tie!) but seriously, I think today I just highlighted another area in need of refining. That's all.  Things like this happen all the time. As my son said in is own words...."mum I just need you to find a way to help me understand in my language..."
I often wonder how difficult it must be to not be able to say what you want. I guess I take my ability to think, sequence and voice words for granted.  Most afternoons, I sit and talk to my sons about their day. The youngest, just mimics everything I say. This is also called echolalia: a speech term in which words or sounds heard, are repeated. Sometimes you get a word or a phrase... "swimming is fun!", but generally I have to rely on others to tell me about his day at school. If I ask him a simple question, he repeats it. I can actually see him thinking and processing, then frowning as he struggles to speak. 
My eldest, as mentioned earlier, also has difficulty trying to say what is on his mind. Frustration kicks in, followed by anger when he is thinking of a word but cannot say it. This  is usually followed by self doubt, because he considers himself mindless. It's a cycle!
Can we honestly say, that we understand how blessed we are, just to have the ability of speech? 
The words we use each and every day, so effortlessly, hold such value. I know I heard for many years at school, that I had a rather advanced level of speech.... but not in a good way, like when used for debating or English studies. My ability was more in the social context.  I know one of my faults is to talk way too fast and say way too much... especially when I am nervous or unsure in a situation. Some people are "soft-talkers"/"loud-talkers"/ too abrupt/ too dramatic/ too demanding/ to over-excited. Everyone has little quirks. I actually envy those who have the ability to not say anything. The people who just sit and listen, reserving judgement or opinion until the time is right. The deep thinkers!  This intrigues me, as I strive to slow down and try to be similar.  (Stop laughing BBF!) 

When my youngest child attended Speech therapy for 4 years, we had gone through months and months of no progress. Then, all of a sudden, a small success. When speaking to his speech therapist about over-talking, he told me that it wasn't uncommon for parents of Autistic children to talk a lot. It is like you try to overcompensate for your child's lack of speech. In my son's early, early days, I was told to verbalise everything I did. To surround him with words, sounds and speech. It took a while to adopt this; because the smallest act, like cutting bread, needed to be verbalised. This was before he was diagnosed. It's hard to adopt and follow through with these programs especially when you are trying to cope with so many  other issues consuming your life. It was the same when I learnt sign-language, picture ex-change, Hanen, ABA and a few of the other programs I tried. I was so desperate to connect and understand my son....to hear him speak.  But time came when I realised the power of words, the power of  "fast and furious words" as a way of communication, was not the choice for my boys. I had to consider their Auditory Processing difficulties and delays in sequencing what they needed to say. It was like their minds required more time to think and reflect. The boys required "wait" time. I suppose living in a world of pace, and speed, when you seem to be rushing everywhere, no one really has the "time" to wait. I saw this continually at school, when I was teaching. There was always way too much to do. Work that you, as an educator were liable for. Activities had to be completed. Time was always precious. Then as well, a working parent, racing home to domestic duties. Again I found, there was never enough time to just sit and think, relax and enjoy moments with my family.
I believe this was another reason why I became so drawn to R.D.I.  The whole "less is more" approach. The slowing down, the waiting. I have seen this work! Not pushing for a quick response and removing that tension and expectation of wanting speech. It really does make a huge difference. The R.D.I concept of, not just using words to send a message but to look at body language, expression, tone, mannerisms, infer, predict,the ability to understand meaning without the use of words. All of these things, are foundations needed to communicate effectively.  To be understood, so we can place meaning behind our words.
Whenever parenting limits are pushed, or differences of opinion arise, it is so easy to say words we really do not mean.  I highlight these all the time to my sons.  When emotionally, we say things we shouldn't.  I use phrases like; "angry words", or "using self-control on our mouths."  This is a really challenging thing to do, firstly when you are a 12 year old boy and secondly when you have a "bush-lawyer" trait of, only viewing things from your perspective. I have seen my eldest son adopting these phrases at school and by highlighting the power of saying nothing, the benefits of silence are really working for him. I guess I should strive to be more like him.... 
Maybe life would be a little less complex.

Tony Attwood Seminar

Also found some Sensory Resources that may be helpful.  I bought these in our local Australian Post Office.    Thinking Putty $6.95

One of the most interesting materials to study! It can be stretched, shaped, snapped, bounced and even shattered. It comes in a screw top tub for easy storage and to prevent it from drying out. Truly amazing and great for experimentation. Toxic-free. 

Also only available from website:  Magnetic Putty

http://www.vat19.com/dvds/magnetic-thinking-putty.cfm

First Step....

Starting to draw on that which makes me stronger....

Today was a chance to start a new day thinking in a more calm, capable manner.  Even though I didn't sleep very well last night, I decided that I needed a fresh outlook and a different perspective on the whole situation of my sons tonsils.

So... when feeling really drained and "lost" how do I try to refocus my thinking?

It changes all the time.  I have already mentioned in previous postings how, at times, the people closet to me can be a massive source of strength and inspiration.  I have talked about taking time for myself, reflection, education, slowing day, using my peaceful outdoor area to recharge....everyone has different ways to summon the energy and courage needed to face and rise up against challenges. I guess the one thing I have learnt in the last 12 months, is that I need to slow right down.  I am still really dreadful at this! (My R.D.I consultant would be nodding her head right now in agreement!) Slowing down in my house-hold is extremely tough.... but it is possible.

I make the promise to myself this morning that;

1. I will take little steps. 
2. that I will remain calm, despite what is occurring around me. 
3. that I will focus on how I can accomplish things, not all the reasons I can't.  
4. that when obstacle do present themselves, that I will look beyond them, seeing the potential that exists.

It all sounds so impressive, doesn't it!   I thought so too, when reading back over this post. But as I have already said way too many times... "I can talk the talk, blah blah....."  
My actions will indeed speak louder than my words!  I am a great believer of this.

So today I am taking one small step.  After a run, clearing my mind, I have made my ENT specialist appointment.

 "Always make decisions with I before e -- intelligence before emotion, that is."

Easier said than done really. I have been sitting outside tonight after a long day, helping out at my eldest son's swimming carnival. Enjoying the peace and serenity that this offers. I sit out side a lot. Usually when the boys are asleep, just thinking about things, about the day, the challenges I will face or reflecting on, how it was that I managed to get through a really difficult situation. My thoughts are usually clear and I can contemplate or recharge.

But I my mind is heavy tonight. I know that I am tired and maybe that is why my ability to be strong and positive is questionable.  
Today when I was at the carnival, I had received a phone call from my youngest child's paediatrician. I had contacted him a few days ago about a mountain of paperwork I needed to discuss with him and a possible appointment to investigate issues my son was having regulating his sensory needs. As I have said earlier, my youngest, was having a really difficult time at school.
We talked about his sensory traits, the issues he was having, the lack funding and grants available to aide my son after he turns 7 years old etc.  (It is so incredibly frustrating that there is not much available to support him. I mean it is not like my child's Autism is magically going to be cured on his 7th birthday.) 
Anyway we got onto the topic of his tonsils. This is not new information to me. I had been to see an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist when my son was 2 years old. This was before he was diagnosed. I guess at the time, I was having his eyes tested and his hearing tested, all in hope that the reason why my child could not speak, was something other than Autism. Anyway the E.N.T I saw, who was a family friend, told me then that my child had extremely large tonsils. But other than ear infections and early teething as a baby, he had not suffered from any tonsil or throat infections. The decision was made to wait and see.  It wasn't until last year when I changed paediatric specialists, that the topic of his tonsils arose again. They are incredibly large, almost blocking his throat.  By then, yes he was having many infections. They usually followed weeks of no sleep and distress, as my boy cannot tell you if he was sick, or if anything hurts. 
On top of this, a high sensitivity to pain, and having no ability to blow his nose, these infections were difficult to handle.  I was asked again, if I had followed through with the referrals, (which I had not.)  There were many factors as to why, or maybe just excuses. I tried to reason with myself; the fact that he hadn't been sick, I was dealing with bigger issues, financial issues and of course, the clincher; I was terrified of going through with this process.  I had been informed that this would be no simple operation. It would maybe involve sedation afterwards, feeding tubes and weeks of discomfort. The thought of my child rupturing his throat, causing bleeding, with a squeal or head butt, basically scares the living day lights out of me.  So all I could do was listen!


It has to be done. I cannot put it off any longer. I got goose bumps at the thought of having to deal with this. I know I am a strong willed person, achieving a lot, but suddenly I felt really insecure.  I will have an appointment before the month is out with the E.N.T specialist and from there it will be a matter of time, booking him in.  Now I am certainly not new to challenges or drama. I watched my son go through EEG's and febrile seizures only last year. Again this was something new and extremely frightening. It's difficult to see your child go white, drool, eyes rolled back in his head and fearing the worst, as you are unable to bring him out of his unconscious state. Luckily for us, that is all it has been... Febrile.
But I guess for some reason, tonight I am beginning to doubt my strength. I am desperately looking for something to give me the courage to just cope. 


I know, that I must not be emotional in my decisions. I know that I cannot allow myself to be stressed or anxious, as my son will only pick up on it. I know I must be positive and confident especially around my older son. I know my children will look to me for reassurance and courage.
I know all this....  but the question I am asking myself tonight, is how am I going to do it?  


I am a mother and a woman. I am passionate about life and in my role as a guide to my children. I am fiercely protective of their welfare. But I am only human. I am emotional - but that is what is needed to raise children in a loving, caring and nurturing manner. I have fears and doubts, all of which I cannot afford to show. 


I think at times, even though I wouldn't change anything in my life right now.... I wish it wasn't my kids. I wish I didn't have all this responsibility to deal with, that I didn't have to be everyone's "rock" or "tower of strength". Sometimes..... it's just hard...hard living in this ASD world!

Small Success

The Smallest Success is Usually the most Satisfying.

"Success is a journey, not a destination."

Ben Sweetland

Well we did it!  It was all worth it too. The lack of sleep, the tension, the financial strain, the drama.... it was all worth the challenges of the day to see my son and his amazing group of friends having fun and "just being kids!"  

It was a very long, hot, day, but what better way, to celebrate turning 12 years old. The kids were incredibly good, polite, funny...they all got on so well. Everyone had such a great time. It was awesome!  I was able to talk to many of my son's friends. They are all so cool. So accepting of differences. They are a real credit to their families and to each other.  I watched my son laughing and smiling, joking around and having food fights! It was absolutely gorgeous. He has come such a long way, grown so much and matured into a fine young man. I think I am incredibly lucky to have a son like him. 

I can recall a time when everything was so difficult, we never smiled. My son couldn't think positively about anything, including himself. He tried to push everyone away. Friends, family, everyone that meant something to him. We were all desperately trying to reach out to him, to support him and to guide him along a very bumpy road. There was also a time when I thought I had lost him. I was honestly thinking I would never see my beautiful son's face light up with laughter again.  It was hard to see him like that. 

I may be jumping the gun a bit here, but I feel this is now, well and truly in the past. I feel like he has climbed up a big, treacherous mountain and I am watching him sliding down the other side.  His whole personality has come back, the smiles, giggles, the 

confidence. I am finally seeing for the first time in a long, long time, my son.

Now onto the younger one.  Well, he managed to last until 8pm that night. Yes, that is what I said. 2.30am - 8.00pm that night. He had also swam for at least 4 hours in the pool during the party. Another saviour in my life, a best friend, had the challenge of watching or really wearing out my child. She did achieve this even though he went through to 8pm. 


So now my boys are back into their sleep routines, and once again peace is restored to our home. Just when I thought this weekend couldn't get any better, I gave my youngest his home reader at bed time. This is another new thing for him to do. We have never had school home readers before, even though he has been reading at home for a while.  
There is nothing sweeter than listening to my son read. This little guy, doesn't say an awful lot, but when he does it's golden.  He read the book totally on his own. He even accompanied the words with a few facial expressions, when reading about a rabbit feeling sad.  
Should I go out and buy a Lotto ticket?  The "universal powers" are certainly sending some positive vibes our way.  

Nah, maybe I should just be thankful to have a moment like this in our life.

The youngest has also ripped out another really funny comment today that I must share...

Mum has had no sleep...so she isn't exactly bouncing around the house full of happy, shiny, energy.... the youngest is demanding water while playing with his little people.


He isn't looking at me or engaging me. Just reciting "Where's the water ?'"from the dining room.  My eldest catches on straight away, and immediately goes into role play mode... (he's just so good!)  "Can I have some water please Mum?"  he says.  We are talking quite slowly and placing a lot of emphasis on our roles. The youngest looks over and watches the antics. 


I get my son a cold glass on water and he leaves. So I wait in the kitchen. Waiting, waiting...The youngest looks over and sees me waiting with the water jug and a cup, but continues to play.  Feeling really tired and knowing I need to do a mountain of washing, I walk over to the table with the cup and jug, and I wait for a response. 


The "golden child" looks up at me. I think to myself, great!  finally "the question". 
But instead I get.....

"Where is it ?"

It was so incredibly funny. I couldn't help but laugh.  All that framing.... I got a question but just not the one I had set up, but really this one was better. It was a very natural comment...."where is it?"  such attitude is so beautiful!   
I can't say enough, how precious these moments are.