Epiphany

Isn't it funny when you have one of those days when everything becomes a little more clearer.  Today was one of those days. 

My family is extremely fortunate to have access to Minds and Hearts in Brisbane. This clinic established by Professor Tony Attwood, offers services specialising in Aspergers and Autism. They are really, in my opinion, amazing at offering supportive therapies and hope to families living with the ASD spectrum.

Today I was supposed to take my eldest son in for his regular session. We have been attending the clinic for years, so this opportunity to get advice, learn and reflect is something I look forward to.  It helps me cope.  Today was different though. My son didn't want to miss any school..... at first I panicked!  Is he sick I thought to myself?  After taking his temperature and picking myself up off the floor, as I am sure I passed out for a few seconds, for probably the first time in 4 years, my son was telling me he didn't need to go and talk about anything.  In fact, he didn't want to miss any school.  I realised he was in a good place right now. He was trying to show me that he wanted to be responsible for his learning and commitments.  I couldn't believe he was showing me this.  For years, he has always complained about school. He liked it, but couldn't cope with the work-load or home work, and in the past few years, struggled to understand in social situations. I was always begging him "not to close the door to learning", but he struggles to see other's perspectives, so doesn't really feel that he needs to be shown how to do things.  "A typical Bush-Lawyer.... always right and always his way!".  Now many would think.... this is quite typical for a hormonal almost teenage boy.....  but when you throw in a mix of ASD genes and have a mother who was a teacher and had been working actively within the State School system for almost 15 years, this attitude is like waving a red flag  in front of a bull.  I never quite understood his reasoning. He was always read to at night as a young child, fostering the love of learning and books at a  young age. He even used to come into my classroom, where I was teaching and help me organise things, mark books etc. I had always demonstrated a very high work ethic to my children.... it is who I am and one of the reasons I have not been able to return to the classroom.  My philosophy is.... if I can't do a job to the degree that I want (110%), I could not commit.... my kids come first. So having those values, I was positive that he too would develop the same.  Until recently, I thought I was wrong. My eldest, had never shown the same zest for learning and determination that I had. In fact, everything was always too hard, and would never put any real effort into his school work. Again this would frustrate me beyond belief.  But today...... an epiphany!  

Sitting in the chair at Minds and Hearts, talking to his therapist about our family, filling him on all the wonderful things my son was achieving and doing, I realised something.  My first born son, the one who developed early, talked early and who I held such great dreams for was coping to the best of his ability for now.  Yes he was struggling with time management,  and yes he was struggling academically, he does have a social age younger than he should, and his emotional development age is even younger, his Aspergers traits are extremely obvious now (not so much when he was younger) and he will always struggle with anxiety, probably for the rest of his life. But somehow I realised that all of those things, as daunting as they are, are relatively unimportant.  I never thought I would hear myself say.... "his academic results at school are just not a priority!"  Learning within a school setting just doesn't suit him.  What I needed to do is just help him cope, and get through each day.

I guess I realised that, it is time just to accept and stop trying to get him to be something that he just isn't.  I cannot change the fact that his attention span and memory is short.  I will probably never be able to get him to organise himself and set priorities when it comes to assignments and home-work. He will always find learning difficult, especially if it involves being stuck in front of a text book.  And  does it really matter if he fails a Japanese test when he is 12 years old?  Why did I feel that I needed to make him fit the accepted norm of  "this is how a child is to develop." Why did I feel that this particular area, could be fixed... maybe it can't be fixed.... maybe this is just who he is.   I have read so many things supporting this train of thought. I even held a different opinion when it came to my younger son.... I guess I just didn't see it before.... but now I do.    

So...... now I have this over-whelming feeling to just pack everything up, grab my kids and go travel. No more restrictions, therapists, commitments and time frames. No more rushing....no more restraints. To just go and experience everything the world and life has to offer.  Who can honestly say that my kids would be worse off if I did just act on an impulse ?   An unattainable dream?  Maybe not....  probably just need to bring my head out of the clouds and take little steps towards that dream.... one at a time!   Something is telling me that I can do this and achieve this lifestyle without such radical steps.