....and within the silence cometh the answers!

....and within the silence cometh the answers!

Life is busy..... rarely do we take the time to stop and think..... stop and watch.... stop and listen to those around us. I find that I surround myself with friends and family.....relying on them to understand, support and strengthen me. 

 I found myself this morning....having a cup of coffee at our local parish, chatting to acquaintances.... I was taking time to listen.....taking time to hear, what was said.

Isn't it funny how sometimes those who do not know us the best.... or who are not family, can offer words that make all the sense in the world to you or give you answers to challenges that you hadn't even considered !  It's a bit like an outside point of view..... I guess we just have to WANT to hear the message.

Conversations this morning shifted towards my children, how I was coping?  The fact that I looked tired and drained....but was still smiling.  Some of these people have watched my boys grow up over the years, baptised them, looked on from afar. Watching and learning about my role as a sole parent, and a parent of autism, purely from what we experience.  I do try to share knowledge.... if we seek acceptance and understanding for children and families on the spectrum.... then shared knowledge is the key to unlocking that closed door.  No-one was disputing my strength or will to continue on.... the fact that I have come so far.... to reflect on what an amazing job I have and no doubt will continue to do with my children.... and the admiration others have for my sense of determination..... but then it comes.... the sense of pity and sympathy. 

I don't like pity!

Our conversations shifted towards these topics. How I do not like asking for help.... how I would rather do things on my own.... I would call it head-strong and stubborn, maybe even if I was being completely honest... taking control..... those who were around me today, called it pride.  A question was raised... "Would it be such a bad thing to accept help from someone who wasn't a close friend or family member?  Surely if I seek acceptance through knowledge, then opening my home to those who want to support... would be an option?"

I was at first a little confused. I have organised home respite workers before. I have opened my door to support workers who either have their funding cut...and leave or visit once, fill you with hope ...never to be seen again. Sometimes it's all too hard. Better to do it on your own then to go through the drama and disappointment of that change.... 

it's not positive.  

But then a point was raised which has really affected me. 

Could it be that my ideals on acceptance and understanding, were somewhat closed.  That I cannot pursue a path that I long for, if I only allow certain people to join me on that path. Maybe I have been chasing away the possibility for more support, though these expectations (on friends/family) and my strong will. I guess, after listening to this, and contemplating what was said...it comes down to my fear.  Fear of being rejected, of others not wanting to accept my life and my children's disability. We have faced so much rejection in the past. But sometimes it is necessary to "take a good hard look at ourself... sometimes we can be our own worst enemy...." By recognising this only then can we grow and change for the better. Last year while studying Theology in a pursuit to teach again in Catholic Education, I struggled with accepting that I need to forgive. Rising to that challenge I feel that, time has helped me to do this. Maybe this is a new personal goal to strive for..... maybe I need to learn to accept that not everyone will understand my situation... and that is O.k. We all have the right to think and believe what we do. 

People will show their support in different ways..... I need to strive towards understanding and accepting that. Open those doors!

Good will and support is all around us. From people whom we may not know so well.

I guess sometimes we just need the courage to open our eyes and our minds to that.

When your mind and body are so physically drained it is difficult to see the "good" all the time. This is when, for me.... I need to look for support in the one belief I know is always there... who does understand... who does listen, will always accept and never reject who I am. If I truly believe this, my eyes will see the support that is there for me through the goodness of others.

It takes courage to be accepting.....

It also takes courage to believe.....