“The main problem with teenagers is that they're just like their parents were at their age.”
unknown
I have been reading some enlightening books this weekend about Life, Love, Relationships and Communication. In one of the books, I came across the above quote. Reflecting on this thought, I took a deep breath and held hope. That's right...
My aspirations probably differ from many other parents. I hold onto hope that my children will experience all the facets of adolescence, that I had; all the fun, the socialising, the rebellious outburst, the risk taking, the independence, self discovery and experimentation. Raising children who are on the Autistic Spectrum, (I am told), will be difficult...extremely difficult. They will develop differently, approaching life and challenges in a contrasting way. Their adolescent years will be quite obscure to that of the norm.... (Well that is, if I accept this notion... and expect nothing more!)
A question that always burns deep is.... Why do we need to settle for less, when raising kids on the spectrum ?
If "experts" are continually telling us that they do not know how or why Autism is developed or what to expect in the future, how do we as parents know the best way to raise these kids? I continually hear from people... they can't, you can't, lowering our expectations somewhat. Wouldn't it be better to allow our kids the opportunities to experience what we had growing up? Who knows... they could "crash and burn"...... or they just might surprise us and cope, learn and think for themselves. I believe it is our responsibility to provide this.
I was raised in a family of girls. I have one older sister, the majority of my cousins were girls.... I have a female dominated family. My sister, being older by two years, was a huge influence on my "teenage years." She was the one responsible for introducing me to my first alcoholic drink at age 16, my first cigarette, my first fake I.d. She would let me socialise with her friends, taught me how to drive her car and would pick me up from night clubs in the city at the wee hours of the morning, driving me home. I remember the escape routes out of my bedroom window late at night to meet up with friends, the infamous back-yard "Kylie Street" parties, equipped with 200 drunk teenagers. "Schoolies": 3 years in a row, Southbank Expo, the road trips down to Greenmount Surf Life Saving Club for Beach Parties, concerts at Festival Hall and school dances. Now I have no doubt that I could have stumbled my way through those years, alone, but I think my older and much wiser sister knew that. With or without her I was going to follow in her steps and rebel. It was better to have her there, a little older and wiser, keeping an eye on me. She taught me to take risks, to challenge, to have a sense of responsibility and independence. It might sound like I am asking for trouble..... but I hope my boys will do these things. I hope they develop the "type" of thinking and the confidence needed to "experience" adolescence. Aspergers and Autism, deny children of many things we take for granted; talking, understanding, communicating, learning, making friends, problem solving, seeing another's point of view, recalling past memories when unexpected challenges arise.... I could go on. My sister opened up a new world to me during those years. But I do remember she always there to support me when I needed her. Watching my sons play together, I often wonder if they will have a similar bond ? Little things like this I cannot assume will naturally just happen. Relationships, even with family members need nurturing.
So... "What will my boys get up to as they draw closer to Adolescence?" My biggest fears for them are; socialising, friendships, acceptance and confidence. Growing up I had a large circle of friends. They originated from School, Sporting Clubs, Neighbourhood, Church, Siblings friends, Work and Family friends. I can't even begin to imagine what my childhood and teenage years would have been like without those people in my life. They were certainly my partners in crime.
Society has changed dramatically, and our young people are now much more at risk within our community than in our day. But, I think they can still have fun, bond, socialise, risk-take and all those other things we did as kids, making us who we are. Maybe they just need to be a little smarter, have more life-skills and be a little more street-wise, savvy to what is happening around them. Now again, do not assume that these skills just "happen" for kids on the spectrum.... they don't! Within the ASD circles, there are many stories about the isolation of adolescence. The bullying, the physical and mental abuse, cyber-bullying, the impact of being different, the ignorance of judgement over education about diversity. Many of these incidents have led to depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol abuse and sometimes even suicide. (now that I come to think of it, not really that different to our time, years before.) Looking at the bigger perspective, teenagers are always going to rebel. It is normal part of life. Parent's patience will be tested, rules will be broken, consequences for actions will be felt - a necessity when growing up, changing and developing. Kids need to learn how to survive in the "real world" as we all did!
So... "What will my boys get up to as they draw closer to Adolescence?" My biggest fears for them are; socialising, friendships, acceptance and confidence. Growing up I had a large circle of friends. They originated from School, Sporting Clubs, Neighbourhood, Church, Siblings friends, Work and Family friends. I can't even begin to imagine what my childhood and teenage years would have been like without those people in my life. They were certainly my partners in crime.
Society has changed dramatically, and our young people are now much more at risk within our community than in our day. But, I think they can still have fun, bond, socialise, risk-take and all those other things we did as kids, making us who we are. Maybe they just need to be a little smarter, have more life-skills and be a little more street-wise, savvy to what is happening around them. Now again, do not assume that these skills just "happen" for kids on the spectrum.... they don't! Within the ASD circles, there are many stories about the isolation of adolescence. The bullying, the physical and mental abuse, cyber-bullying, the impact of being different, the ignorance of judgement over education about diversity. Many of these incidents have led to depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol abuse and sometimes even suicide. (now that I come to think of it, not really that different to our time, years before.) Looking at the bigger perspective, teenagers are always going to rebel. It is normal part of life. Parent's patience will be tested, rules will be broken, consequences for actions will be felt - a necessity when growing up, changing and developing. Kids need to learn how to survive in the "real world" as we all did!
Raising Boys is going to be a challenge for me no doubt. Basically because I have no idea of how boys think or how they resolve challenges. So when considering boys on the spectrum.... let's just say, I think I will need to refine my patience and "waiting" skills. All I can do is hope. Hope that I have installed some great communication skills early enough to be able to relate to my sons. If I was to be more realistic in my thinking, I know that my boys will be confiding and turning to everyone but me. A sad thought? ....maybe. Adolescence for girls I am down with, but for boys ? it's a mystery. I think I will need to do a lot of questioning and LISTENING to the male figures in my life. Who knows maybe my sons will mature into quite sympathetic and understanding young men, when it comes to relating to their friends and to..... dare I say it......girls. As I am always telling my eldest, the way to a girls heart, is by giving her your time, listening to her and by the words you choose, when talking to her. Kind of a funny philosophy really, when both my sons have communication difficulties (but they can do it.) Either way I seriously need to learn a lot here. They will probably end up teaching me a thing or two!
In the next part of this post, I am going to share a personal R.D.I experience involving my youngest. As part of our Educational Stage, we had to write a script, like a play of what life will be like in 5 years, in 10 years and when my son is 18 years old, raising him under the R.D.I Philosophy of "everybody deserves a second chance". I would urge every parent to do this, regardless of whether your child has special needs or not. I think it empowers positive thinking. It gives you goals to work towards as a parent. Helps you to appreciate the little things in life and gives hope to a brighter future. For me.... when this dream is achieved by my youngest son, it will be my sign that I need to let him go and live life.
1 comment:
very interesting, thanks
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