What the..... Oops!

Oops!

What is Maternal Parenthood.....?  Well one would think that it would be, a sense of knowing.... A feeling that your child is in danger or sensing that your child is up to something sneaky. Maybe even using your intuition (that I spoke so positively about in my previous post)  that your child is sick,  with a double ear infection.... and is too unwell to attend school !

After a whole week trying to tame the tonsil tyrant recently, I was enjoying free time with both boys back at school. I was running every morning, finally getting on top of paperwork, house-work, ironing etc, not racing around (between 9.00 - 3.00), enjoying the peace and tranquillity of home with no noise. My eldest son was having a great week at school, achieving an A++ for his first Year 7 assignment for the year. He was back at Taekwondo and things seemed generally settled. My youngest was struggling a little, but this was to be expected after having so many days absent from school. I had faith he would get through without too many incidents.

I was sleeping again. Getting in more than 2 hours... I was actually starting to feel "normal". 

Until early this morning that is.  My eldest wakes me complaining of sore ears. I roll over and look at my alarm clock.... 4.13am . Now my first reaction, I can't write in words.... it wouldn't be pleasant reading. I dragged myself out of bed, throwing some Nurofen down his throat, took his temperature, (goodness know how I did that!), and basically grumbled something about going back to sleep.  I thought to myself he couldn't possibly be sick. He had gone to Taekwondo. There were absolutely no signs of him being unwell or of having sore ears!

When I did eventually drag myself out of bed this morning, both boys were still asleep.  After a shower and a piping hot coffee, I woke my eldest to find out the verdict on his ears. He was tired and humming and harring about whether or not they were hurting. The thought of sick children again, awoken the cranky, difficult, non-maternal side of me. I basically.... told him to get through the day, he would be fine. I would give him Panadol and that he had too many days off anyway last week. I then heard myself ranting and raving about no t.v, computer or basically anything interesting, if he was to stay at home.  The thought process behind this rant, I would make his life miserable in case he wasn't exactly being truthful to me about how he was feeling. (My eldest does have the tenancy to over-exaggerate emotions when he is sick. He doesn't have consistent emotional regulation.)   But maybe the old "suck-it-up and get on with it" attitude was a bit too much this morning.

After watching him struggling to even get out of his pyjamas, I basically snapped, "stay at home then, but you are going to the doctors."  Thinking to myself.... this will sort him out. If his ears are fine, the plan was to dress him in his uniform and drop him back to school as soon as I got the all clear from our G.P.  I would still have time to meet with my R.D.I consultant and run a few errands. After dropping my youngest off and driving straight to the doctors, I was feeling really annoyed.  I kept thinking to myself, how selfish it was of my son to be "playing me", after everything I do...blah, blah,blah.   

We got to the doctors by 9.15am went straight in and he started examining my son ears.

That is when I heard those dreaded words I hadn't even considered hearing this morning....

"Yes, that one is badly infected, let's look at the other..... hmmm... Yes that one's worse.!"

"Oh bugger!"

That's right... my son had not one but two badly infected ears, on top of his wavering head cold. The result of siblings sharing germs!

I felt this sudden rush or guilt and shame wash over me. I looked at my son with pity. I can't believe what I had blurted out to him in my cranky state this morning. I was so snappy and unreasonable. 

So with a loving hug and basically apologising over and over to him in the car on the way home, I have been performing my motherly duties, to perfection ever since.  The poor kid has been so sick he has slept for hours. That's when I know my kids are really sick..... when they sleep!

The lesson learnt today... is not to beat myself up for being a cranky, unreasonable mother... that stuff happens... no-one is perfect!  But rather to reflect on, what a very "normal" role model I am to my boys. How ones emotions can be affected by lack of sleep. How important it is to acknowledge my mistakes and apologise. How I need to slow down and not be so judgemental of my children, especially when I am not functioning at the level I need to be. It wasn't selfish of me to want my alone time, and I shouldn't feel guilty about that. I know I things will settle again.  That is how the waves roll in. 

Right now though, my child is sick and he needs tenderness, love and care from his mother.  

All of which I can promise you.. he is receiving.