JUST BEFORE THE DAWN.....

JUST BEFORE THE DAWN.

I like the quiet of the early morning...just before dawn.

I find it can be a very peaceful time as I often

take the opportunity to reflect on things and centre my thoughts.

Sunrise...Maleny...Sunshine Coast Hinterland.

Today is going to be a very big day..... "the Birthday party".

I am not anxious for my child, but instead find myself reflecting on the past.  

As there is a five year gap between my boys, I have thousands of photos and videos of different stages in their young lives. For my older son, I think, his dad and I were so besotted by his presence, we always had a camera shoved in front of his face, as first time parents do. 

I recall his first birthday party. He was in Year 1 at school...6 years old. It was a "super-hero" costume party.... very appropriate at that time as we could never get him out of dress-up costumes; Spiderman, the Flash, Steve Irwin, Batman, Jedi's .... the list could go on and on. We had only moved into a bigger house in the previous months and seized the opportunity for a home party, inviting his classmates... all 25 of them.  Also at that stage, the parents of the kids were quite social. Most stayed during the party, having a 

bar-be-que afterwards, relaxing with a Vino or two. My older son had the traditional party games, the cake, food, fun, the pinata.... which I remember almost did damage to his dad, being in charge of blind-folded kids holding a baseball bat, swinging frantically in the air. They were good times, funny, nice memories.  I recall the day running smoothly but later, was stuck in my youngest's bedroom for most of night, as he screamed continually with a double ear infection. Even at that stage in his young life, (he would have only been around 7 months of age) he was difficult. This was way before we knew anything. I recall the other mothers and I, all taking turns, trying to settle him...none the wiser.  Still my older lad has some wonderful memories from that day which is all that matters.

Celebrating Birthday's was always an exciting time. I still watch a video of my youngest on his first birthday. The blonde hair, blue eyes looking up at his dad and I. The talking, the emotion the singing and dancing... he was perfect. It was a quiet affair.... just his brother, dad and I..... and it was so special.  You could see him attentive, taking everything in, chatting to us, happy......just like any other normal child. But that was probably the last time I would see my son interacting with us, to that degree. His innocent, inquisitive personality slowly disappeared and celebrations after that, were not much fun!

By the time his next birthday arrived, there was a lot of squealing, head-banging, no eye contact, banging his ears, he didn't like the cakes, candles, singing or presents. He wouldn't touch them and even had a fear of balloons.  His dad and I used to joke about being able to give him a bucket of water and he would be happy.... but we completely missed the signs!   So the birthday parties never happened. Actually the play groups, friendships and socialising never happened for him either. Other kids would come over and he would often sit on his own playing with blocks, cars or trains... in his own world. 
I just thought he was quiet.

When I recall all these memories..... I do feel quiet sad in a way.  Sad that he was "absent" from me and our family. The boys father and I parted ways not long after that... so again Birthdays and Christmas celebrations were hard.  My older son still recalls his 8th birthday as his "nightmare". That was the week he saw his family change, and can recall every detail. But through all that sadness, I can also see how far my two boys have come.  To have my youngest, giving eye contact and loved being touched and cuddled.... I am so incredibly lucky to have that, when so many parents don't. To have my child say "love you" and "Mum" is better than nothing at all.  To have the opportunity to give him his first ever Birthday party and to see the anticipation and excitement in his eyes.... this is over-whelming!  Today is a "monumental" event for our family and even though the day is yet to 

unfold ...I already know it's a success. 

So this morning as I sit and reflect on my thoughts, I give thanks that 

I can look forward to many more wonderful moments in time just like these with my sons 

creating something so precious, I never thought would be possible. 

“Life becomes precious and more special to us when we look for the little everyday miracles and get excited about the privileges of simply being us.”

Tim Hansel