As promised, the second part of my last post... "What Will They Get Up To?"
Just to recap.... RDI (Relations Developmental Intervention) is RDI® is about restoring the guided participation relationship between parent and child in order to promote the development of thinking and relating.Guided participation describes the relationship that is established between parent and child. Personally, Guided participation can be defined as “Apprenticeship in Thinking.” This statement really appealed to me, as a mum, guide & teacher to my son. Another statement that I connected with was; the goal of Guided Participation can be likened to “Transferring Wisdom.” The thought of re-teaching my kids about life is rather exciting and hopeful.
Part of the RDI Education Stage for parents is to; write a Mission Preview. Our Parent Objective for this task was developing and committing to our mission previews.
We all have goals for our children, and with time and perseverance we have the ability to see these goals achieved. Writing goals and missions can be an emotional time. They do give us a 'big picture' view of what we are striving for. A Mission Preview serves as a plan or a guide to achieving what you have targeted as your innermost desires. A Mission adds focus, direction and purpose to your life. It is what motivates you to get out of bed every morning, what helps you stand up and continue moving forward when you stumble, what drives your every decision in life. A Mission is important in every aspect of life, whether it’s a Mission for you, your children, your profession, your business. It is what keeps you straight on your path and what leads you back to it when you get lost. Developing a Mission preview is a thought-proving process that requires you to look within and uncover what your values and hopes for the future are. The purpose of this objective was to develop a Mission Preview of what my family and my child’s life will look like at a future point in time. I had to list things/scenarios/ways on how I would like to see my relationship change or grow, with my son.
My Mission Statement:
Mission Preview: aged 7 years.
10 minutes to 3 o clock, time to go and get the boys. I leave home and begin the arduous journey to school, waiting in the drive-through area, which seems like a life time but in reality is only 10-15 mins. As I pull into the main drive-way there are still 4-5 cars in front of me. We come to a stop, I glance over and see (L) sitting with a small group of friends, he is smiling and chatting. He glances over at me, recognising the car. He doesn’t jump up, panic or try to run towards me, with total disregard for his own safety. He just gives me a quick smirk and continues chatting to his peers. I think to myself, he is so independent now. Gone are the days of me having to sit with other children talking for (L). I look around the waiting area for (B). He was at the other end of the drive through – standing where only the Year 7 children are allowed to be. It’s a socially accepted unsaid rule. He is busy talking to a large group of children, smiling, laughing, girls and boys included. He notices the car, gives a wave and using sign-language, gestures to me for 5 more mins. I nod “yes.” The cars are not moving anyway. As I slowly begin to move, I pull into the area where children are busy bustling into their parent’s cars. (L) is the first to arrive. He opens the back door of the car. “Hey Mum!” he says. He then throws his bag in the back seat and before I even ask him to, is off heading towards the steps where his older brother (B) is socialising. “I’ll get him…..” I hear (L) say as he runs off into the crowd of children. I observe that my son is not worried about the busy drive-through, he doesn’t seem fazed by crowds or loud noisy children anymore. Within a minute or so, I see (L) re-emerge, which his older brother trailing behind. When both boys reach the car, I hear, what some parents would normally complain about – the boys arguing over who is going to sit in the front seat. I think to myself, who would have thought that a “so-called non-verbal child” could argue his point of view…. so well, dynamically and successfully! Finally (L) jumps into the front seat first…he wins! “Too slow!” I hear him tease. With a big cheeky smile on his face. He puts his seat-belt on and says…..”Let’s roll Mum…I’ll be late for footy training!”
Mission Preview: aged 12 years.
“Is this ok?” I hear (L) say as he runs from his room. He shows me an invitation he has made on his computer for a Year 7 Graduation Party. “Yeah, this is great!” I respond. He has included all the important information; when, when, time, RSVP and contact numbers. “It’ll be awesome Mum… thank-you so much for letting us have the party here.” (L) says. “That’s ok hon” I say, as I continue to prepare dinner. “You’ve worked hard, you deserve to celebrate.” (L)
The night of the party arrives. I watch (L) as he gets himself ready. His brother is home too. I am so proud that he has offered his services to keep everyone under control. He even brings along a few mates to help out with Music and preparations. As the boys are busy setting everything up, I feel a sense of joy, relief and pride as I watch (L), (B) and his mates chatting and joking. The door bell rings. “I’ll get it” I hear (L) say as he runs for the front door. “Hey bud!” I hear, as he greets his friends at the front door. “Come in, we are all out the back!”
As the night progresses I am sitting amongst a group of parents around our pool at the back of our house. “The landscaping looks amazing!” my friend Sandy says. “Yes I know! The boys and I have worked really hard…..but it is all paying off now. I really couldn’t have done it without them you know.” I say. “Look at him” says Sandy….”who would have thought…..all those years ago….when everything was really tough.” I smile at her. “I know! It really takes my breath away.” I reply. We both look over and watch as (L) walks through a crowd of kids. Smiling, laughing, joking, stopping to chat to both boys and girls. His whole persona glows with confidence. He is so popular and socialises so easily with everyone now. Music is blaring in the background, lights are flashing and the air is filled with excitement and fun. (L) seems so at ease with everything going on around him. He heads over to where the parents and I are sitting. “Hey Mum, Sandy” he says. “Are you having a good time?” I ask. “Yeah mum, thanks, everything is just great!” (L) replies. “Congratulations (L)” I hear Sandy say. “Yeah thanks Sas, I can’t wait to start high school. It’s going to be so cool!” he responds. “You should see their onsite pool – it’s amazing! I can’t wait to give it a test run and see if I can cut some time off my P.B’s” (L) informs us. “It is a great pool!” I say to Sandy. “Just what he needs to keep up his swimming training, who knows, first regionals, next, maybe state titles!” I mock. “You said it Mum!” smiles (L) – “you just watch me!” “Anyway.. gotta keep mingling Mum…you know….places to go.. people to see!” he says as he heads off bouncing to music, followed by a trail of kids. He struts over to where his brother is poised, mates on hand. He places a watchful eye over the crowd. The brothers don’t say anything to each other – just a secret hand shake as (L) struts past! A quick glance and a nod. They don’t need words to understand. They read each other’s body language so well. As I watch my sons, I can’t help but think back to all the moments of “silence” I used to get from (L). All the squeals, the isolation and frustration. He is so at ease with himself, with his friends and where he is in life. Tears well in my eyes. “Oh no you don’t! you promised (L)!” I hear (B) say as a supportive hand sits firmly on my shoulder. “Be cool Mum!” (B) reassures me with a hug. “Just look at him…..he is Ok!”
Mission Statement: aged 18 years
“Mate, at least pack your bag neatly” I say as I hand him a pile of freshly ironed clothes. “Mum, it’s fine” (L) responds. “As long as the clothes are clean…that’s all that matters.” “Have you got everything?” I ask him. It’s my sons first trip away from home for a whole four weeks. “Mum, it’s sweet! I've got my clothes, laptop, Ipod, sun glasses, cash, phone and keys. It’s all good – don’t worry!” he says. “I’m a mother!” I reply….”Of course I am going to worry…it’s what we do!” I smile up at him. He has grown into such a tall young man. He gives me a hug. “Yeah…..I know” he says. (L) continues to shove a few things into his bag. I am worried about him, but I am also very confident in his ability to survive on his own. He is such a sensible kid. I know he will have fun, but I also have faith he knows where to draw the line if trouble arises. “Now if you run out of money…you will call me?” I say. “Mum it’s alright” (L) responds. “I have been saving for the trip for ages. That’s why I worked part-time at the pool!” I hesitate for a minute.... “I know…but if there is an emerg…” “Emergency…I know " (L) interrupts me. “Don’t worry Mum I will call if I need your help – you know you can trust me and you know I will call.” He says smiling. I look up at him and nod. I know this is another moment in his life when I need to let him go! I am so proud, but I also hate these moments! In my heart I know (L) would call if he needed me. We have a good relationship. He is honest and upfront, and I show him the same respect, even if it unsettles me at times. He also has a great bond with his older brother (B). I know this bond is strong. (B) would be there to help him, where ever he was. “What are you guys planning to do when you arrive?” I ask. “Ummmm, don’t know yet” (L) says….”we’ll just play it by ear, see what happens- you know!” I think to myself – wow no routine, no plan, no more needing to know before we go somewhere, no more anxiety about the unknown – this kid really has changed. “Sounds like fun!” I say in a voice with apprehension…. (L) picks up on my tone straight away! He is so observant and can predict what people are implying… “Mum….” with a look of pity.... “How about I call you when we get there and I will make sure I will check in with u, when I can? Hmmmm….does that make u feel a little better?” he says. I think to myself again, is he being condescending towards me?
“When you can…I say…..I know you will be busy.” I reply “Then it’s a plan Mum…when I can!” he says smirking . “You know Mum, you really need to learn to relax!” Laughing together….”I know, my son, I know!” my face alight with pride and love.
When I read back these statements, it makes me feel a little sad. My youngest son turns 7 years old in a few weeks. He is not any closer to the "Mission Plan" I had written for him, a year ago. He is still not speaking in a fluent manner, although we do have more words. I guess I was a little too optimistic at the time of writing this mission...... but then again, I have to be optimistic. That's how we survive. He is doing so many more things than he was a year ago.... and that's a start.
