PLEASE, PLEASE..... TAKE ME AWAY.

PLEASE, PLEASE..... TAKE ME AWAY.

Usually I am an optimistic person.

Usually I am embracing each day, energised and ready to face the battles.....

But the past few weeks have driven me into a "funk".

My phone rings and I jump....knowing it will be my son's school telling me another incident.

This is occurring on a daily basis.

My youngest has not been quite right since his suspected seizure-type behaviour in week one of this term.

His behaviour can only be described as uncontrollable.

We have been to the specialists only to receive a wait-and-see....attitude.

But in the mean time, his school behaviour is very unstable. One minute he is demonstrating academic intelligence way beyond his years.... then the next.... melting down, into huge fits of anger and self-harming outbursts.

We are only 3 weeks out from his tonsil operation.

Then we will follow with a sleep EEG.

Finally the stage I am really torn over.... possible medication to sedate his irregular outbursts.

His continual "tantrums" and resistance to respond to limits is resulting in holes in the learning support teacher's walls...made by his hard head. Escaping and running from support staff to the point where he endangers himself.... regressing in his emotional regulation - regressing socially with his peers.  Everyone who loves and supports him is so concerned right now.

But...... the brunt of all of this is on my shoulders weighing me down.

His brother..... who has been doing so well, is also testing limits. Bringing a lot of aggression and anxiety into our home.  And me.... well lets just say I have not been "on top of my game" - handling things all wrong.... making huge mistakes.

So..... someone please tell me ?

Is it a full moon?

What is going on?

I have been getting to the point where, I am scared to have too much time on my hands. Maybe afraid of running. Feeling trapped and alone, I often wonder if my children would be better off living with their father?  Could he raise them better than I am? Can he give them more opportunities.... Could he give them a more stable future?

Where are my supports, I hear you say?  Well they are there. But as I said to my Mum only last night..... "There are some things you just can't help with."  

"I have to deal with this on my own.... they are my children."

My judgement is off.... everything you feel confident in knowing is suddenly unstable. Everything you believe in is suddenly questionable.

Like I said a "funk".

I get to the point where I feel that everything I do is under constant criticism.... feeling like I have just gone a few rounds fighting Muhammad Ali.

So what do I do?.....

Not sure here.  I have been trying to pull myself out of this for days. But when you are so mentally and physically exhausted.... it is just a challenge to face every moment of every day.

Maybe it's sleep.

Maybe it's a holiday.

Maybe it's  just a good cry.......

(Your not allowed to cry and show your emotions when you need to be so strong all the time.)

Maybe it's just a case of batting down the hatches and waiting for the stormy waters to pass.

I really do not know...... but it will come...... it has to.