DELUSIONAL DREAMING

DELUSIONAL DREAMING.

It's 5am here..... I have been awake for hours listening to my youngest son coughing. This is the second night of no sleep for me....yeah!  But prior he had been going really well. His tonsils and adenoids were healing  "perfectly" according to our Ear Nose and Throat specialist. He was back at school and settled into his routine.

Earlier this week he got a slight head cold, runny nose. With all the cold weather and sickness at school, I am really not so surprised. Without tonsils or adenoids now his colds are different. It is basically a runny nose with all that fluid running down the back of his throat, and continual coughing. Nothing seems to be helping to settle it. He has no fevers which is good, but is just coughing up phlegm I guess, and then swallowing everything. He doesn't blow his nose or won't spit up any fluid irritating him. It is only 4 and a half weeks since the operation, so he could be taking off another layer at the back of his throat.  I really don't know.  Looks like it's time for the doctors tomorrow.

Ironic really that he is sick. My oldest and dearest friend is having a 40th Birthday party this weekend in Melbourne. I so wanted to be there for her to help her celebrate, such a great milestone. But due to lack of babysitters, funds and the kids commitments, I had to decline.  Even if I had said yes, I wouldn't have been going anyway with the youngest lad now unwell.  It just makes him that much harder to manage. So fate steps in again.

I have been thinking this week that all my dreams towards a future for myself (doing what I want to do) seem so distant.  I mean you give it a good go. You try to catch a few hours here and there.... try to relax and slow down..... may take up little projects to give you an interest outside your kids, make new friends..... but in reality, everything still must work in around your kids.  That is just the commitment of parenthood. Before you know it, you are bitter, cranky and resenting the fact that you have no time. You are tired and exhausted. Your spark and your happiness dims.  
Now whether it is a sign or fate again.... you suddenly get a massive wake up call. 
My shake up this week came in the form of a week from hell.  


Two dear friends, both sick, both have been in hospital. Luckily for one friend and God-mother to my youngest, fingers crossed she is getting better. But the other, is getting worse. I have already lost a friend this year to cancer, so to see it happening all over again, is challenging.  I know my friend who is slipping away at such a young age, has been battling for a long time. Her inner strength and will to live for her little boy is there but I guess her body is just failing. When I received the call from her Mum today, saying she was in the ICU, I knew what this meant. I can't go and see her. So I have to just send my words through a text.  Feeling somewhat guilty now about complaining that I have no time or breaks from my kids, when I can hear her words, telling me that every minute with her son is so precious. Every afternoon when school ends she makes little videos of their adventures, or spends the day planning a treasure hunt for him. She was building memories for him I guess.  I feel so weak and inferior when in the presence of this woman. To know you will not be there to watch your kids grow up... she, like so many others, in similar situations are just inspiring. I think I would like to be more like her.

So the moral to this posting is..... when your kids are driving you nuts, or you are so tired from being up all night with a sick child, or feeling trapped because you never get any YOU time or get to aspire to what YOU want to do..... Stop and Think.  Does it really matter in the big scheme of things?  Think to yourself how incredibly lucky you are just to be here with your child. I am obviously feeling quite emotional about the week that has passed and I don't intend on giving up on hopes and dreams so I can attend to my kids every need....

BUT

this week has been a test for me. To have clarity on things maybe I didn't want to face.  Life can throw things at you from left of field....  it's way too short.... it goes way too fast.... so procrastination, patience and waiting may not be the best choice. Friends have taught me to enjoy the moments and experiences you have and share with your kids. Take the time to give, love and communicate. Don't expect things to always be there.... because in the circle of life it just may not be possible. But
before we can appreciate this we need to have accepted it.

    “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”              

Buddha