OOZING HAPPINESS

Oozing Happiness.

I am only new to the whole Social Networking Phenomenon.  Hooking up with people you have lost touch with over time can be daunting. Personally it wasn't something I wanted to do.  I'm not sure if that was because I didn't want others to know what was going on in my life, or whether I was somewhat disappointed in the way life had turned out. Different from the dreams I had in the past. Maybe a bit of both.

Time can be an incredibly healing power. Time to learn acceptance, time to find direction, time to heal from hurt, time to recharge and move forward.  Once you have that time, you begin to see your life and the directions taken in a different light. I am finding, that slowly I have been coming back out of my "shell". Wanting to socialise with old friends, wanting to connect again with those people who knew the "real" you..... the person who you have always been, but had lost.... in a sense.  Having a child with a disability can be incredibly strenuous. Everything you have, every amount of energy you posses is invested into your child. Every decision you make as a parent is questioned and analysed. Days are difficult.  Socially you do not a lot of time for outings, parties, get-togethers or play-dates, as basically they are not easy feats to pull off successfully. I can recall a park play date. While other Mums and Dads got to sit around talking and joking, I was usually chasing my son around the park, ensuring he wasn't getting himself into anything dangerous or into a confusing situation with other children - being non-verbal. (I would talk for him.)  During those early years I found myself slowly becoming a social recluse.  Even going to a shopping centre was difficult as it would erupt in tears, squeals and head-butts.  There was never any opportunity to stop and window shop or enjoy a hot coffee. My time was usually spent, running from one therapist to the next, trying to stay on top of my older son's commitments and house work. I missed my friends and the conversations that we had.... I missed the freedom of feeling "normal".  When my youngest son was only little, I relied on my friendship with the boys dad.  This wasn't what I wanted or had expected to happen.... it just did.  I mean of course he would understand .... it was our son. (I can look back now and see so many mistakes....you cannot rely on others for your happiness.)  All my friends had tried to keep in touch but most of the time I would just cut them out.  Tired and unhappy.  Everything became so hard.  Even when the boys dad and I parted ways.... I kept most of my female friends at bay. Ashamed at the situation I found myself in. I avoided the social groups at school for almost a year.  Every time I did see someone, I would just fall apart.

  I can remember sitting in a counsellors office, feeling so lost over the future. She had said to me, "What will make you happy?"  I couldn't answer her because I didn't know. You would think it would have been to have "neurotypical children, or have my family and marriage back the way it was. But.... no.... I didn't want any of those things... I just didn't know. I had no idea of who I was as a person, my personality or my spirit.  I couldn't think of future plans, I couldn't see any hope or remember what it was like to feel relaxed and happy.  Those days, weeks and months were really bleak times. 

  However... I believe that sometimes we need to go through the dark to get to the light.

And now... as time as passed, 5 long years later, I guess I am more like the person I used to be. I am happier and I have so many reasons to smile.  Life is still really challenging.... but that is o.k. I have direction. I am still exhausted, but I rest when I can. I find the time to keep in touch with my friends, and have a laugh. I make the effort to socialise with other families.... it doesn't always end in disaster... sometimes it's really easy and we have a great time. I take time out for me. I have hopes and dreams for the future again. I am optimistic about what I am achieving as a parent.  I enjoy what life is offering now rather than seeing it as drain.  My friends and family have noticed these changes and are  supportive of things we do - this alone gives me hope and strength to stay positive.  Only the other day I reconnected (networking) with a friend who I used to teach with. She was and still is a great friend.....luckily for me. She sent a message saying that I looked and sounded really happy.  I could honestly tell her that I was. This was a huge moment for me.  To stop and realise that I am happy. Taking time to look back from where I had come from. To see that things in my personal life are pretty good. I guess you could say that I am content with where I am and what I have (even though an occasional vent can be heard from the garden of serenity, at the back of our home.)  I am comfortable with my children's disabilities, enough to be their voice talking about Autism, at peace with hardship experienced and learning to feel safe and secure in my faith and the direction of my future. I am beginning to trust myself and my decisions once again. My family are by my side as are friends, guides who bring out the best of me.

 A close confidant once told me that.... 

"to have happiness in your life you have to be happy in life." 

So take note from someone who is on that path.....  hold onto hope, as happiness never go away. It's always there for us to have in our lives. Keep life simple... aspire to those things that are achievable; hope, faith, belief, love, happiness, purpose and peace. You will be surprised at what this simplicity brings.  I know I constantly am!